Katie Holmes Gives Birth

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby and named it Suri. For all that hype. it really was that anti-climatic. I'm not sure what I was expecting but the media made me believe that it wouldn't be a healthy baby girl. I'll add this to the other long list of things that the media tried to scare me into believing... sars, terrorism in rural America, bird flu, the holocaust, and gay people. When you really think about it, they're all complete nonsense.

Luckily, there was a funny picture on yahoo news that made me laugh. It'll make you laugh too.

I bet you laughed!

Two Old People are Now Dead.

Don Knotts is dead. You know him as Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith show, but I prefer to remember him as the pedophile that lived near the raunchy kids on that sinful Three's Company show.

Also recently dead...

This is the guy that was the father in "A Christmas Story". He's dead now. Dead like Barney Fife.

Halle Berrry is a Whore.

I've been accused of not actually reading the stories I comment on. That douche bag said that I just copy and paste and make some generalized hacky bullshit comment followed by a lame picture or two.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Halle Berry had to write "I will not make 'Catwoman II'" on a chalkboard four times Thursday in order to earn her pudding pot as Harvard's Hasty Pudding woman of the year.

Berry's performance in the 2004 action bomb earned her a worst-actress award in last year's Razzies, a spoof of the Oscars that trashes Hollywood's worst.

That guy was right. I was going to talk about my disgust in people that don't think that Catwoman is the single best piece of cinema ever produced. Then I would have posted something like this...

That required no effort at all.

I would have done all this but I got distracted by the little picture of Halle Berry groping her slightly saggy but still delicious boobs. I looked at more pictures and I was shocked to find out that Halle Berry likes to have sex with lame looking white guys dressed like a fairy. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this but I refuse to read the stories I comment on. I'll just post pictures like a good idiot.

Oh, and apparently she dyked out with a couple of hotties.

My brothers..

Now we can all rest easier at night. We will no longer wonder if it's possible for losers like us can fuck famous bitches. If Halle Berry is willing to get it on with some lame white homo and a couple of trannys, there is a chance for us all.... unless you're Asian like me. Black women don't like Asian "men".

2006 Grammy Recap

*Note: My Grammy recap has nothing to do with musicality. I'm about the hit the big 23. I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for new music. Since this is the case, I can't comment on who should have won what.

**Second Note: I didn't watch the grammys. I never do. I don't like the round of applause that the shitty music industry gives itself every year. I don't care if Kanye West or Adam West wins best record. I wouldn't care if Elton John came out to french kiss some dude dressed like Jesus in black face while the London philharmonic played "Welcome to the Jungle". Fuck that.

***Third Note: I'm also not going to read any reports on the musical queer off. I'd rather just visit yahoo news and look at pictures of people at the grammys.

**** Fourth Note: I'm not in a good mood so you people that are expecting my usual "bubble gum and ice cream fart happy go lucky" thoughts are shit out of luck.

Madonna looks great. This is particularly true if you think "looking great" means resembling an old french drag queen with the clap. I only hear women and homosexuals talk about how great Madonna looks. If this is the look that they're all trying to achieve, I should just cut my penis off now. I'll have no use for it if option A and option B both try to look like the wicked witch of the west on meth. To all you fags* that instant messaged me with "Madonna looks good for an old broad".

• A) Fuck you.
• B) Just because a girl is in shape doesn't mean that she's hot.
• C) Fuck you, again.

It's always good to see one of the fat chicks from "The Facts of Life" doing well. Along with my reluctance to buy into the ridiculous propaganda that she's hot, my problems with Kelly Clarkson go all the way back to High School. We didn't go to the same High School. I didn't know her. I didn't know of her. However, we did grow up in the same 4-10 mile radius, we're roughly the same age. The probability that we knew the same people and went to the same parties from time to time is very high. That's why my biggest regret in life is not knocking up Kelly Clarkson. I figure that my only shot at success in life is to capitalize on my ridiculously good looks and snake-like charm and get some famous chick pregnant with my unholy multi-racial baby. I don't see this whole writing or entertaining thing working out. I have no real talent and I insult everybody within 3.5 minutes of meeting them. I can't let this interfere with my dream to live like a mixture of K-fed, Larry David, and Vinnie Chase. If anybody knows the Clarkson family, I'd be quite obliged if they could put in a good word for me. Thanks.

The caption for this photo says that this dude just won a Grammy for best Hawaiian album. I didn't know that they had such a specialty category but it makes me want to vomit. It's not that I have anything against Hawaiians. I don't. I just despise the ones that call themselves Asian. I also hate when the "real Asians" call me Hawaiian just because I'm Filipino. I refuse to be associated with people that think it's a good idea to bury swine in the ground before eating it. We all know that eating swine is wrong unless it's in bacon form. Bacon isn't pork.

That last bit of bigotry was unintentional. I've just disgusted myself. Now, I'm going to go smoke shit out of a light bulb. This helps the demons tell me what to do.

The Worst Idea Ever

ROME - An Italian priest who runs a music label specializing in religious songs said on Monday that Michael Jackson could be one of several artists to sing on a CD of Pope John Paul II's prayers, but cautioned that the project is "only a small idea" that has yet to be run by the Vatican for approval.

Sometimes, it's not even worth saying anything.

Reese Witherspoon's Enemy Ends up Dead.

A paparazzo who was charged with battery and child endangerment after pestering Reese Witherspoon and her kids at a theme park last fall has apparently been found dead.

If you value your life, it would be best to not mess with Reese Witherspoon.

The Hottest Baby Ever Is Sans Penis.

I was going through thesuperficial.com. I was very pleased to find out that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to have a baby girl.

I think I'm going to allow myself to live to the ripe old age of 40. I want to see what the greatest combination of DNA produces. That mission now represents my single goal in life, "look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's daughter all grown up". Hell, I'll settle for sonogram pictures. That's going to be a sexy fetus.