Team Wilco: Celebrity Rumor-Mongering

Katie Holmes Gives Birth

2006-04-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby and named it Suri. For all that hype. it really was that anti-climatic. I'm not sure what I was expecting but the media made me believe that it wouldn't be a healthy baby girl. I'll add this to the other long list of things that the media tried to scare me into believing... sars, terrorism in rural America, bird flu, the holocaust, and gay people. When you really think about it, they're all complete nonsense.

Luckily, there was a funny picture on yahoo news that made me laugh. It'll make you laugh too.

I bet you laughed!

Two Old People are Now Dead.

2006-02-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

Don Knotts is dead. You know him as Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith show, but I prefer to remember him as the pedophile that lived near the raunchy kids on that sinful Three's Company show.

Also recently dead...

This is the guy that was the father in "A Christmas Story". He's dead now. Dead like Barney Fife.

Halle Berrry is a Whore.

2006-02-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've been accused of not actually reading the stories I comment on. That douche bag said that I just copy and paste and make some generalized hacky bullshit comment followed by a lame picture or two.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Halle Berry had to write "I will not make 'Catwoman II'" on a chalkboard four times Thursday in order to earn her pudding pot as Harvard's Hasty Pudding woman of the year.

Berry's performance in the 2004 action bomb earned her a worst-actress award in last year's Razzies, a spoof of the Oscars that trashes Hollywood's worst.

That guy was right. I was going to talk about my disgust in people that don't think that Catwoman is the single best piece of cinema ever produced. Then I would have posted something like this...

That required no effort at all.

I would have done all this but I got distracted by the little picture of Halle Berry groping her slightly saggy but still delicious boobs. I looked at more pictures and I was shocked to find out that Halle Berry likes to have sex with lame looking white guys dressed like a fairy. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this but I refuse to read the stories I comment on. I'll just post pictures like a good idiot.

Oh, and apparently she dyked out with a couple of hotties.

My brothers..

Now we can all rest easier at night. We will no longer wonder if it's possible for losers like us can fuck famous bitches. If Halle Berry is willing to get it on with some lame white homo and a couple of trannys, there is a chance for us all.... unless you're Asian like me. Black women don't like Asian "men".

2006 Grammy Recap

2006-02-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

*Note: My Grammy recap has nothing to do with musicality. I'm about the hit the big 23. I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for new music. Since this is the case, I can't comment on who should have won what.

**Second Note: I didn't watch the grammys. I never do. I don't like the round of applause that the shitty music industry gives itself every year. I don't care if Kanye West or Adam West wins best record. I wouldn't care if Elton John came out to french kiss some dude dressed like Jesus in black face while the London philharmonic played "Welcome to the Jungle". Fuck that.

***Third Note: I'm also not going to read any reports on the musical queer off. I'd rather just visit yahoo news and look at pictures of people at the grammys.

**** Fourth Note: I'm not in a good mood so you people that are expecting my usual "bubble gum and ice cream fart happy go lucky" thoughts are shit out of luck.

Madonna looks great. This is particularly true if you think "looking great" means resembling an old french drag queen with the clap. I only hear women and homosexuals talk about how great Madonna looks. If this is the look that they're all trying to achieve, I should just cut my penis off now. I'll have no use for it if option A and option B both try to look like the wicked witch of the west on meth. To all you fags* that instant messaged me with "Madonna looks good for an old broad".

A) Fuck you.
B) Just because a girl is in shape doesn't mean that she's hot.
C) Fuck you, again.

It's always good to see one of the fat chicks from "The Facts of Life" doing well. Along with my reluctance to buy into the ridiculous propaganda that she's hot, my problems with Kelly Clarkson go all the way back to High School. We didn't go to the same High School. I didn't know her. I didn't know of her. However, we did grow up in the same 4-10 mile radius, we're roughly the same age. The probability that we knew the same people and went to the same parties from time to time is very high. That's why my biggest regret in life is not knocking up Kelly Clarkson. I figure that my only shot at success in life is to capitalize on my ridiculously good looks and snake-like charm and get some famous chick pregnant with my unholy multi-racial baby. I don't see this whole writing or entertaining thing working out. I have no real talent and I insult everybody within 3.5 minutes of meeting them. I can't let this interfere with my dream to live like a mixture of K-fed, Larry David, and Vinnie Chase. If anybody knows the Clarkson family, I'd be quite obliged if they could put in a good word for me. Thanks.

The caption for this photo says that this dude just won a Grammy for best Hawaiian album. I didn't know that they had such a specialty category but it makes me want to vomit. It's not that I have anything against Hawaiians. I don't. I just despise the ones that call themselves Asian. I also hate when the "real Asians" call me Hawaiian just because I'm Filipino. I refuse to be associated with people that think it's a good idea to bury swine in the ground before eating it. We all know that eating swine is wrong unless it's in bacon form. Bacon isn't pork.

That last bit of bigotry was unintentional. I've just disgusted myself. Now, I'm going to go smoke shit out of a light bulb. This helps the demons tell me what to do.

The Worst Idea Ever

2006-02-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

ROME - An Italian priest who runs a music label specializing in religious songs said on Monday that Michael Jackson could be one of several artists to sing on a CD of Pope John Paul II's prayers, but cautioned that the project is "only a small idea" that has yet to be run by the Vatican for approval.

Sometimes, it's not even worth saying anything.

Reese Witherspoon's Enemy Ends up Dead.

2006-02-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

A paparazzo who was charged with battery and child endangerment after pestering Reese Witherspoon and her kids at a theme park last fall has apparently been found dead.

If you value your life, it would be best to not mess with Reese Witherspoon.

The Hottest Baby Ever Is Sans Penis.

2006-01-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

I was going through thesuperficial.com. I was very pleased to find out that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to have a baby girl.

I think I'm going to allow myself to live to the ripe old age of 40. I want to see what the greatest combination of DNA produces. That mission now represents my single goal in life, "look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's daughter all grown up". Hell, I'll settle for sonogram pictures. That's going to be a sexy fetus.

The Good Penn Brother is Dead.

2006-01-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

CHRIS PENN FOUND DEAD

Wow man, I didn't see this one coming. I'm going to guess that the cause of death was massive heart attck. I'll be sure to deep fry a hoho, do a 2 rails of blow, and drown out all the noise with Jack Daniels in honor of Chris Penn. Why do all the good brothers die first?

Golden Globes

2006-01-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

I was planning on writing a review of the golden globes. It seemed like a good way to kick start my recent brain slump. Sure, the mavs were playing tonight, but I feel obligated to the loyal Team Wilco readers. It was around that time that I remembered something...

For some odd reason, Paco convinced me to watch the Oscars last year. I was found a week later in a men's rest stop right outside Lorena, Texas, letting a large meth-addicted truck driver give me a rim job. After that, the good folks at my local church taught me that I should choose to be straight.

That's what could happen if a straight man watches an award's show. You'll soon turn into a pillow biting little purple man spelunker site. On that note...

The Golden Globes were on today. They're pretty gay. Most movies are pretty gay too. I also just watched that Hobbit dude on Conan and he's really gay.

I didn't watch the Golden Globes.

There is one good thing about awards shows though. Hot celebrity chicks walk around with their tits hanging out. That's great. It's times like that ,that makes me glad to be an American. Not because of any freedom I feel, but because I like to sew American flags into ninja uniforms. Then I sneak around bars claiming to be "Sir Ninja Hungwell, of Go America Team Number One Sex Team" to all the hot chicks. That's normally when I get arrested for puncturing her car tires with a homemade ninja star.

That's right. Boobs. I'm a fan. I like looking at them in all it's stages of dress.

Why this incoherent rant?

Fuck you, that's why.

Or, maybe I'm just adding bullshit because I just want to post a picture, or maybe I just smoke too much pot. It's probably a little bit of both. Here's the picture...

Tits

What a wonderful word for an equally wonderful thing.

As for the golden globes, I'm sure it was pretty gay.

BREAKING NEWS!

thesuperficial.com is there.

Angelina Jolie is Knocked Up

2006-01-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES - Angelina Jolie is expecting a baby this summer with Brad Pitt, finally affirming the long-presumed relationship previously only glimpsed on African beaches and in paparazzi snapshots.

Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, told The Associated Press on Wednesday that Jolie is pregnant and that Pitt is the father, confirming People magazine's earlier report.

I've gone on record several times as saying that Angelina Jolie is just sowing her oats with Brad Pitt until she settles down with somebody a little more worth while. Who's more worth while than me? Only Jesus, that's it. So this news is quite the shock. I really hope that this baby doesn't mess up Angelina Jolie's vagina. That might ruin my personal agenda.

Don Imus is a Frankenstein.

2006-01-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

Do you know what time of year this is? It's Don Imus is sober time! This year marks the 18th since he's been off cocaine and booze. I hope the malls aren't too busy with Imus shopping. It always sucks when there are a lot of parents around. It makes it harder to sell fake acid to 13 year olds.

Don Imus being sober isn't good for the world. How else are we suppose to kill him? He's a Frankenstein Monster that dresses like a gay cowboy. I've seen Brokeback Mountain, I know what he's trying to do and let me tell you, it's not as much fun as the movie makes it out to be.

Every time I forget about the existence of Don Imus, I'm punished by briefly viewing his ugly mug on MSNBC. It makes me scream like a little girl. I also think that it's causing erectile dysfunction.

Guido Goon actually is a Guido Goon

2005-12-12T00:41:00.000-08:00

If I was to say the name, Lillo Brancato Jr., you wouldn't know who the hell I'm talking about. He was Matthew "Drinkin' Water" on the second season of the Sopranos. He was also in the movie the Bronx Tale. That movie was about how a mobster and Robert De Niro made turned a neighborhood kid into a complete pussy. There is something

But on Saturday, the actor was far from the bright lights and red carpets of Hollywood. Instead, police said, he was breaking into a vacant house with another man when a gunfight erupted. An off-duty police officer who responded was killed, and Brancato, who police said was unarmed, was in critical condition after being shot twice.

This isn't the first time that he's been a scumbag though...

His most recent appearance in the headlines came in June, when Brancato was arrested by Yonkers police who discovered four bags of heroin during a traffic stop.

If actors are going to start becoming their characters, lets just hope that we don't have to worry about Eric Bana becoming the Incredible Hulk. That cold be trouble. I hope he turns into Chopper. Chopper is so cool.

Dissing Nuclear Weapons gets Salma Hayek Wet

2005-12-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

OSLO, Norway - Global celebrities, including Hollywood stars Salma Hayek and Julianne Moore, praised Nobel peace laureate Mohamed ElBaradei Sunday for his efforts to save humanity from nuclear weapons.

That's wonderful. If chicks that looked like Salma Hayek encouraged more people to help rid the world of nuclear weapons, we wouldn't even be in Iraq right now. It's true that the President could use one of the other 100 reasons why we went there in order to appease people but he'd be too busy showing hot bitches how much he hates nuclear war. I think Julianne Moore should stay at home though. That translucent skin and frightened crack head-esque smile frightens me. Oh, before I go any further.... hmmmm

The only problem with this is that you have to continue having nuclear weapons around. If you get rid of them, you won't have anything to fight anymore. Then Salma Hayek won't care about you. That's why I suggest getting some really good cocaine. Cocaine is a renewable resource so you never have to worry about it disappearing.

Richard Pryor is Dead

2005-12-11T23:43:00.000-08:00

Richard Pryor died on Saturday. He was 65 years old. Richard Pryor is arguably the most influential comedian that has ever rocked the mic. All those crappy comedians you see on BET's comic view are 6th rate Pryor clones without solid material. I know that Team Wilco always seems to be writing about things that we hate. Richard Pryor isn't something we hate. I consider him 1/3 of the stand up comedy trinity. There is only one still alive now. I really hope that Gallagher doesn't catch cancer or something.

Borat tells Kazakhstan to Talk to the Hand

2005-11-27T23:52:00.000-08:00

ALMATY (Reuters) - A British comedian who uses a boorish, sexist and racist Kazakh alter ego called Borat to poke fun at interviewees has responded to a legal threat from the Kazakh authorities by satirically welcoming the move.

Responding in character as Borat, Cohen, who is Jewish, said: "I like to state, I have no connection with Mr Cohen and fully support my government's position to sue this Jew."

"Since 2003 ... Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world," he said on his website, www.borat.kz.

"Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."

That's one hell of a response. That's almost as funny as R. Kelly saying that he was innocent or Michael Jackson comparing himself to Nelson Mandela.

As much as I enjoy Sacha Baron Cohen's work, I feel bad for Kazakhstan. I'm not saddened by Borat's hilarious misrepresentation. I'm upset that the Communist bad asses of my youth are now cowards. The communist monsters from the Rocky film and NES video games would have sent a sexy female assassin to slice Ali G's neck. They never would have to threaten to sue. This litigious act is proof of the pussification of the world. The world is turning into one big sweaty vagina and nobody has a dick big enough to fuck it.

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have been Liberated

2005-11-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

During this past holiday, most of you were watching Football and avoiding that weird Uncle that touches you too much. That's nice. Some people were devastated by tragic news that most people were too "busy" to hear. These affected people couldn't stop writing each other e-mails, text messaging, and arguing with each other about this. Every person that I met like that caught a swift judo chop right in the fucking throat. That's right folks, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are done. For real. Seriously.

After months of speculation on their marital status, Newlywed duo Jessica Simpson and
Nick Lachey have come clean and announced they are breaking up.

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," the couple says in a joint statement issued by their respective publicists, Meredith O'Sullivan and Rob Shooter.

First, Rob Shooter is a really cool name.

Second, I don't think that anybody cares anymore. Since we learned that Jessica Simpson wasn't hot enough to get people to watch a remake of another awful old TV show, the status of the couple has fallen. They may have had one too many holiday specials. They had the kind that made Sonny and Cher seem edgy. It's not hard to figure out why the suicide rate rockets during the holiday season.

They should have gotten divorced a year ago. That would have been prime for them. It was at the exact aftermath of their popularity apex and that would have given me enough time to introduce myself to Jessica, get her to fall for my ruggedly handsome good looks and quick wit, knock her up, and exploit her for the good of my own career. It's the Federline method. Now just isn't good for me. I'm busy trying to figure out how to abort the Anti-Christ. Fate plays a cruel game.

That's all you people want. Sinners.

Mr. Miyagi is Dead

2005-11-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

While we were all out stuffing our fat fuck faces with stuffing, cranberry sauce, and red hot balut, good people were dying. One of those people just happened to be Mr. Miyagi.

Since I'm the source of all the world's knowledge, I'll share some with you. Mr. Miyagi is not actually Mr. Miyagi. His real name is Pat Morita. Pat Morita was a stand up comic that ended up playing Arnold on Happy Days. Remember when Fonzi jumped the shark on skis while wearing his leather jacket? That was awesome. Arthur Fonzarelli is the greatest American folk hero.

In conclusion, Happy Days was a great show and Scott Baio isn't Henry Winkler. Chachi, I knew Arthur Fonzarelli. Arthur Fonzarelli was a friend of mine. You are no Arthur.

Gary Glitter isn't a Kid Toucher

2005-11-22T03:43:00.000-08:00

It looks like Gary Glitter has been wrongly accused. It turns out that he's just a tutor.

HANOI (Reuters) - British rocker Gary Glitter has denied child molestation allegations in Vietnam, telling police he was just teaching English to young girls, state media reported on Tuesday.

I would like to personally apologize to Mr. Glitter for my wild accusations. Despite the fact that 5 underage girls have admitted to having intercourse with him, it's obvious that the Vietnamese government is just out to get Gary Glitter. Just like the British government's personal vendetta with their silly child pornography laws. The only part of children that Gary Glitter has ever touched has been their minds and their hearts.

Wait... no... that guy is a total molester. Just look at him. He should be locked up for 10 counts of being creepy looking. Anybody else surprised that Gary Glitter isn't gay? He's only been accused of touching little girls. I'd peg him for a boy scout fucker.

Gary Glitter is a Kid Toucher

2005-11-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

Remember Gary Glitter? Most people don't. Gary Glitter was this really flamboyant 70s glam rocker who like to touch kids. Guess what he's in trouble for again...

Gary Glitter is in a heap of trouble.

The faded glam rocker, best known for the ubiquitous sports anthem "Rock and Roll Part II," was arrested Saturday morning by Vietnamese immigration authorities on charges of child molestation as he tried to board a flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Bangkok, according to published reports.

The news comes two days after the Vietnam's foreign ministry revealed that Glitter, whose real name is Paul Francis Gadd, was wanted by police for questioning regarding allegations he had sex with two girls, one of whom was 15 and the other only 12, while living in the southern resort town of Vung Tau. The age of consent in Vietnam is 16.

Glitter pleaded guilty 6 years ago to 54 charges of child pornography. He served very little time and then turned up in Cambodia. Apparently, he took part in acts so disgusting, that even the Cambodians didn't want him. He ended up in Vietnam instead.

Personally, Gary Glitter should receive the death penalty. Touching kids is a disease and it seems like death is the only cure. In Glitter's case, it's doubly worse. Any man that looks like Glitter shouldn't be allowed to be sexual at all.

"Do You wanna touch me there?"
No Gary, we don't.

Team Wilco believes that if you look like a child molester, you are a child molester. Gary Glitter looks like a child molester. We're still waiting for the Tony Shalhoub to get arrested.

Y'all Ain't Ready

2005-11-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

As some of you have undoubtedly heard, Kevin Federline's rap single has been leaked onto the Internet. It might be the most awful thing I've ever heard. It's even worse than Kobe Bryant's song.

NEW YORK - The dawn of Kevin Federline's hip-hop career has begun, though it remains to be seen if it will last past breakfast. A track by Federline was posted on the Internet by Disco D, the producer of his upcoming album, "The Truth," to be released next year.

"Back then, they called me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead," he intones in the chorus of "Y'all Ain't Ready."

Over an industrial beat reminiscent of Kelis' "Milkshake," Federline represents himself as a brash, newsworthy figure ahead of his time. "People always asking me when's the release date / Well, baby you can wait and see, until then all these Pavarottis followin' me," he raps, nicknaming paparazzi after the Italian opera singer.

As you can see, intelligent lyrics that still display style. Of course, it's silly for him to rap about the paparazzi following him around. Last I checked, he's only famous for being married to Britney Spears. I believe they're following her around and he just happens to be along for the ride. It's like the show Entourage if Vinnie Chase and Turtle were fucking. Whatever, I'm OK with this song as long as I get to direct the video.

Just imagine this with a fish eye lens.

They're Breeding...

2005-11-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - "Big" Kenny Alphin, of the country music duo Big & Rich, and his wife are the parents of a baby boy.

Lincoln W.H. Alphin was born Wednesday morning to Alphin and his wife Christiev.

These people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. These people should just go ahead and kill themselves with their tight jeans, booze, and drugs. I'm sick and tired of the UT/UNT/TCU/SMU frat boy/ sorority girl obsession with this shitty type of music.

While I'm on Big & Rich, a rant that's 8 months in the making...

One of my highlights of last years NBA season was watching these two losers get no reaction at all from the All-Star Game crowd. They performed in half time and were followed by LeAnn Rimes. I'm not going to assume that a large portion of the NBA's ratings and merchandise revenue are the result of a hip hop oriented life style. I'm going to flat out say it. The NBA and Hip Hop grew up together. David Stern seems to be driving the league away from that association. The new dress code is evidence of that. Including country music into the half time show isn't going to welcome white people back to the basketball world. It's just going to piss off your core audience. Charles Barkley said it best, "the NBA ain't Nascar". And, Texas county rap rock ain't hip hop. Save a horse, ride a cowboy? How about I save a horse and turn you two jokes into glue.

I was also a little upset that they trotted out a midget in a Dallas Maverick jersey. I'm not some type of bigot with a prejudice against little people but I don't think that they should be allowed to wear my hometeam jersey. Don't get me wrong, midgets provide a lot to our culture. It's also cute when they think that they're real people.

Tyra Banks Shocked that People Hate Fat Chicks

2005-11-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES -Tyra Banks has gone undercover as a 350-pound woman. Banks wore the fat suit to experience what it's like to be obese.

"It seemed like the last form of open discrimination that's OK, and I decided to put on a 350-pound suit myself and live that life for a day and see what happens," the 31-year-old former supermodel told AP Radio in a recent interview. "And it was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life."

I'm not what some people call a "genius". Some people might argue that I'm borderline retarded, but even my non-genius borderline retarded ass can see a problem in this logic. Tyra not recognizing that there is a racial and sexual discrimination problem in this world screams volumes of her stupid super model oblivious life style. It is an obvious sign that Tyra Banks lives in a world of make believe and gum drop rain showers where the worse thing in life is for somebody to call you tubby. Supermodels are supermodels because they're pretty. They got everything they've earned in life because they're pretty. Aside from the chicks from the former Soviet states that probably watched their entire family get crushed under a tank, they don't really have a firm grasp on the hardships of life. It's the three C's for them. Caviar, Champagne, and Cocaine.

Banks said she was shocked at the reaction.

"I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face," the talk-show host said. "And I had no idea it was that blatant."

You mean to tell me that people treated this woman...

differently than this woman?

Oh my! It's so shocking when people don't wreck their cars while trying to check her rack or when men don't follow her for 3 miles to watch that sweet caramel ass. It's just heart breaking that some people are forced to live like that. People pointing and laughing in the fat chicks face is pretty harsh. Sure, I do that all the time but I'm a total asshole. Perhaps they just remembered when Eddie Murphy went undercover as a white man and it made them chuckle. Or, it might be because you're a fucking joke, Tyra. They might have been doing that because they saw Tyra Banks in awful fat girl makeup supermodel strutting down a sidewalk followed by an entourage of her people and probably some cameramen from her god awful show. Want people like me to like you? Dedicate more shows to your tits and stop trying to pretend to be anything but a vapid whore.

Harry Potter Can't Get Laid.

2005-10-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

HARRY Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has admitted he has something in common with his boy wizard character — they are BOTH rubbish with girls.

Despite being one of the world’s most famous teenagers Daniel, now 16, says he is hopeless at chatting up the ladies.

I'm guessing "rubbish" is British for "shitty". Why can't the world learn to speak English?

Young Mr. Radcliffe, this is what happens when your core audience is lesbians and 11 year old girls who will probably become lesbians. It also doesn't help that you look like a younger more effeminate Rachel Dratch.

Like mirror image.

Hell, we all remember this...

I mostly just remember this...

Rest In Peace, Lindsay Lohan's boobs.

Daniel, you can do what everyone that can't get laid does in the entertainment industry. Just become a casting director and hold an open casting couch session.

Keira Knightley is a Saint.

2005-10-25T01:51:00.000-07:00

Sun Online
BRITISH beauty Keira Knightley has revealed she wants to have a clause written into her movie contracts - to ensure she always gets a snog with her leading man.

I guess "snog" is British for "make out". Damn foreigners. It's time to rush through my script for a remake of "Beach Blanket Bingo". Guess who I'm going to try to get to be my co-star.

Team Wilco Exclusive Report: Plagiarized

2005-10-24T02:13:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know, this weekend has been very busy for Team Wilco Enterprises. We received an e-mail on Saturday from Liss.

Team Wilco,

Hmm. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but there's a guy who is totally plagiarizing your stuff. Entries in his livejournal are, essentially, copy and pastes of your work/photos/links and there is no credit (that I can find) given to you guys.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/onerom2013/
For shame.

Love your blog,
Liss
Upon clicking the link, I noticed several shocking similarities between Team Wilco and this asshole's live journal. I took screen caps to demonstrate this.

Robert Moreno of Garland Texas writes...

Which of course is this.

The gentleman that says, "I'm just some dude with a smart mouth. But, I back my stuff up. I welcome all to say something" wrote this.

Which bares a resemblance to this.

The hilarious podcast host and writer was also quite opinionated about Paris Hilton.

Odd, I'm quite opinionated about Paris too.

The Robert Moreno in Garland, Texas who listens to the Pugs and Kelly Show, Russ Martin Show, and Dan and Tasos show said this about Chewbacca becoming an American Citizen.

It's obvious that I ripped him off with my lame attempt to copy his genius.

I've spent my entire life looking for a soul mate. Somebody that thinks like me. Little did I know that it was just a few miles away in Garland. Hell, Robert even has my exact same handwriting.

Or maybe I stole his Harriet Miers coverage. To really throw him off, I posted it almost a day before him. I'm so clever!

OK, an obvious plagiarism job by one Mr. Robert Moreno of Garland, Texas who, in his 22 years of existence, has developed a smart mouth and the ability to back it up that might be found listening to Dan and Tasos or bumping Public Enemy while being trained by somebody that resembles an upside down bowling pin for some job that probably has to do with computers. All this while updating his shitty livejournal for all his high school buddies to laugh at.

It doesn't stop with me though. Robert also stole from Paco. He deleted the account before I could screen cap that but I did manage to get THIS.

Look familiar? Yeah, that's a thesuperficial.com post. Shame on you Robert. Shame.

So, Mr. Moreno deleted his account after I mocked him in the comments section of his journal. Luckily, Liss screen capped my comments for me.

More!
Even More!!!

Robert, you got away with this for a long time. By Paco's research, you've been doing this since July. It must have been a pleasant ride. You probably received the adoration of all your loser friends. Hey, I know. I get that sometimes too. Did you really think it was wise to do this to a website that is frequently advertised on the number one talk radio station in the number 5 market? (I think those two stats are right) Did you think that it was possible to get away with this? Oh you crazy kid, you're one of the many reasons why I hate our generation. You know, there are a lot better sites and writers to steal from that don't have the type of exposure that we get. Honestly, I think Paco and I are a little overrated. We pretty much just come up with ways to say "I fucking hate BLANK" over and over again. You might consider us one trick ponies with shitty photoshop skills and a tendency to commit crime. All of this might be true but at least we're original. Robert, you could have rewritten each post and probably gotten away with it. Simply taking out any mention of me or Team Wilco isn't going to cut it. Linking directly from our photobuckets was pretty fucking dumb. Did any of your friends wonder why your hilarious pictures were in a photobucket called "Willthethrill","Willteamwilco", or "Willtheblogger"? Our readers are slightly smarter than that. Slightly, I still think they're all borderline retards.

There are a few nice things that I took away from this experience. I think Paco said it best...

Part of me wants to be offended, and string up this douche bag for 30 counts of grand larceny of intellectual properties and 5 counts of being a choad. However, another part of me is flattered that this guy finds us so funny that he'd blatantly rip us off and pass it off as his own to make others think that he too is funny.

Flattery does feel good. Do you know what else feels good? Making people feel bad. So, I present to you, loyal readers of Team Wilco, people that got lost here on accident, people that send us hate mail for talking bad about sea creatures, and weird guy that just likes my picture of a panda, Robert Moreno's MSN username.

trebor_onerom

Oh, here is his new livejournal, sans Team Wilco content. I don't think Robert has actually seen a real life woman. He thinks that the measurements of 34-32-26 is hot. Robert, that's an upside down bowling pin.

Painless really. We laughed. We cried. I smoked a little weed in the middle of writing all this out. And, I think Robert Moreno made out pretty well. He gets free links on Team Wilco and he has a new reader, me.

Once again, I'd like to thank Liss for helping us out. You can read her plagiarism free live journal HERE. I'd like to thank everyone that sent me well wishes in this ordeal. It's your comfort and the power of Christ that helps me overcome all obstacles. Amen.

The PTC is Angry, Again.

2005-10-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK - Four Fox network programs, led by the comedies "The War at Home," "Family Guy" and "American Dad," topped a parents group's annual listing of the worst prime-time shows for family viewing.

The Parents Television Council rated two aspirational reality shows, ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and NBC's new "Three Wishes," as the best programs for family viewing.

The group's president, L. Brent Bozell, said he was alarmed that the three Fox Sunday night comedies are being marketed as family friendly.

I covered my thoughts on the PTC yesterday. I have no problem with their dislike of "The War at Home". I'm offended by that show too. It's just awful. The writing is lame and the acting is worse. It makes me want to stab my feet with nails and do the Jesus freak dance.

L. Brent Bozell is outraged that Fox would try to lure families to watch their shows by disguising filth as cartoons. Obviously, Mr. Bozell is completely illiterate because those two shows always have a warning before airing. How can they not expect a prime time Fox cartoon to not be a little crude? This is the same network that has run the Simpsons for 70 years.

Fox should thank the PTC for the free publicity. Check out other Fox programs for things that are deemed raunchy.

Beyonce was not Made to Look Less Black

2005-10-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

Radar magazine is claiming that Vanity Fair actually lightened the skin of its latest cover girl, Beyonce. Access Hollywood investigated Beyonce's cover controversy.

That just seems silly. Beyonce is all ready light skinned. She also makes top 40 pop music so it's not like she frightens white people. It's OK though, the Rock has her back.

“If you lighten Beyonce's skin, at the end of the day it doesn't matter because she's still gorgeous and makes great records,” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson told us. “It would be different if you just made her white.”

No word yet on how the Macho Man Randy Savage feels about the situation. This isn't the first time that something like this has happened...

On a 1989 edition of TV Guide, they took more than few liberties by pasting Oprah's head onto Ann Margaret's body.

Then, there's the famous 1994 OJ Simpson Time cover where the magazine darkened the mug shot, while rival Newsweek left the image alone.

That's just like the time my friend Alin had his name ruined by the Dallas Morning News after he saved a frog that was in the middle of my street. They darkened the picture to make him seem more evil.

In his defense, I was the one mocking it. I was wicked drunk.

Sizemore and Hilton Didn't Hump

2005-10-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton insists she didn't do the deed with Tom Sizemore — despite what he says.

According to Sizemore, he had a party at his house and after everyone else had left, he heard the repeated clicks of a cigarette lighter and followed the sound to his gym, where he saw Hilton, and suggested rather explicitly that the two should have sex.

Yesterday, I said that Paris Hilton should just disappear back into the "not famous' void that the rest of you have to suffer in. Notice how I said "rest of you". I'm fucking famous and I don't intend on disappearing. I'm Will the mother fucking Blogger and that has to count for something somewhere. However, if Paris is going to hook up with King of Krazy, Tom Sizemore, then I welcome her back with open arms. I can't wait for the meth-induced violent schizophrenic voice mail messages that he would undoubtedly leave for her.

In related news in the world of Paris...

Paris is auctioning off her ridiculously gaudy engagement ring for Hurricane relief. That's nice. She's auctioning off something that doesn't really belong to her. I believe that women should keep their rings if a relationship doesn't work regardless of who broke up with who but if I drop 4 million on it, I want the it back. I could fund a third world coup with that money. Indonesia is prime for another uprising. If Paris really cared, she'd dress up as a slutty Darth Vader and do the chicken dance in a pool of grey goose. I don't think it would really help anything but I think that it's equally funny and hot.

LIfe too Surreal for Spoiled Princess

2005-10-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

I really hope that isn't true. Isn't it about time that we, as Americans, stop and wonder why the hell Paris Hilton is famous? How could we let that happen? When did we lower the bar for star level? Was it the numerous meaningless award shows with half-stars talking about the greatness of the other no-names? Was it when we started celebrating reality TV stars like they were Oscar winning actors? Does this have anything to do with 9/11?

I don't have any problems with Paris Hilton. I don't watch her show and I've never seen any non-porn movie she was in but she's a good looking vapid whore that probably smells like vodka. That's pretty damn cool. I just don't want to hear about her until she makes another porn. Why should I fear accidentally seeing 2 seconds of that god awful show while I'm channel surfing to find something with explosions, boobs, and/or ninjas? I have a serious problem with Nicole Ritchie. I don't care how much food she throws up and meth she does, she'll never be skinny enough to be hot. I don't care for seeing people on TV that wouldn't be the hottest person at Duke's on a Wednesday night.

I'd rather Paris Hilton get back with that Nick Carter kid and have them record them for a reality show.

Chewbacca is an American

2005-10-13T01:29:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON - A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a Wookiee named Chewbacca growled and howled his way through “Star Wars” movies. On Monday, the actor who played him will take the oath to become an American citizen.

I'm sick and tired of all these immigrants coming to this great country and taking all of our jobs. My grandmother didn't immigrate here from the Philippines to put up with that kind of bullshit. She didn't put in decades of hard work as an accountant and some kind of United Nations something or other just to lose it to your wookie ass. I'm sure there are lawns to cut, dishes to wash, houses to clean, and fruit to pick back in Mexico or wherever you're from. Your sons better stay away from my daughters. There will be hell to pay if that happens. Mostly because I haven't seen my daughters since they were still inside their mother's womb and I don't want them to tell the girls where I live. I kind of bailed on her when she started getting fat.

That's America brother. Let freedom ring.

Now that I've thought about this more clearly, Chewbacca can st ay as long as he plays center for the Dallas Mavericks. We could use a more dominating presence on the inside because Dampier sucks. However, you tell that freeloading Yoda to get the hell out of my country.

Pitt and Norton are Lewis and Clark.

2005-10-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Big screen superstars Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are teaming up to produce a new television mini-series about famed US explorers Lewis and Clark, producers said.

That's cool if you like Lewis and Clark and Pitt and Norton... I guess. I'd rather see Angelina Jolie and Norton.

And for no real reason... here is Scarlett Johansson in a see through top. It's real. I don't care what that dirty hippie Gregory says.

Louis Nye is Dead

2005-10-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

That old guy that plays Jeff's dad on Curb Your Enthusiasm died. That's rotten. Just rotten. Apparently, he did a bunch of other shit 40 years before I was born. That's cool if you're 80 or so. His name was Louis Nye.

Jay Leno Will Get Your Kids Beat Up

2005-10-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Why can't an elephant ever be on the radio? Answer: He would break it.

Jokes like that won't ever make it into Jay Leno's monologue on "The Tonight Show." But the host of America's most watched late-night TV program has written hundreds of similar zingers for the latest generation of class clowns and future comics.

They're all in his new book, "How to be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your Class)," published by Simon & Schuster, with proceeds benefiting families of police officers killed in the line of duty.

That's great Jay Leno. You're really doing something for the children.

I have a great joke for the kids out there...

Joker: Knock Knock

Jokee: Who's there?

Then you steal their purse and use their money to buy drugs. That's my favorite joke.

O.J. Visits Dorks.

2005-10-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Testing the waters of his tarnished celebrity a decade after his acquittal on murder charges, O.J. Simpson appeared at a Halloween-themed comic book convention on Friday night to sign autographs, but few beside the media seemed to care.

Simpson's rare public outing in Los Angeles at the annual NecroComicon show drew little interest, with no more than a dozen people traipsing up a rear stairwell into a small room to glimpse the former football star and actor.

That's a big knife you got there, OJ.

Yes, I know that's a video game character. Yes, I know that he has nothing to do with horror comics. Don't bother E-mailing me you dorks. Go get a girlfriend.

Nick Cage is a Dork.

2005-10-04T00:45:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage's wife of 14 months gave birth on Monday to the couple's first child together, a son they named Kal-el -- a moniker recognized by comic book fans as the birth name of Superman.

The child's delivery in New York City and his full name, Kal-el Coppola Cage, were confirmed by the actor's publicist, Annett Wolf, who said of the family, "They are healthy and happy and it's quite lovely."

Nicolas Cage is stupid. I know he's a comic book fan but that's no excuse for naming your child a name that's similar to the names of the 9/11 high jackers. What's going to happen when he starts going to school? All the racist kids are going to beat him up for being an Arab and after that, all the cool kids will beat him up for being named after Superman. As we all know, Superman is a dick.

www.superdickery.com

Come on, who doesn't want
to smack this kid in the face?

Kids need real names like Will, William, Willy, or George Clinton's Parliament-Funkadelic Experience III.

This is probably why the government
won't let me reproduce.

Nipsey Russell is Rhyming in Heaven

2005-10-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

Legend: dead at 80.

NEW YORK - Nipsey Russell, who played the Tin Man alongside Diana Ross and Michael Jackson in "The Wiz" as part of a decades-long career in stage, television and film, has died. He was 80.

The actor, who had been suffering from cancer, died Sunday afternoon at Lenox Hill Hospital, said his longtime manager Joseph Rapp.

Nispey/Nipsy Russell will be missed. While I've never seen anything he did outside of The Wiz, I've heard that he was in match game when my parents were going through puberty. While I've never seen match game, I've been told that Nispey Russell was really good on it. Whatever. Later, Nipsey.

Paris Hilton: I'm not Ready for Marriage yet. Rest of the World: No shit.

2005-10-03T02:57:00.000-07:00

"American Princess" Paris Hilton ended her engagement to Greek shipping/possible arms dealing heir, Paris Latsis. She claims that she's not ready for marriage. While that might be the first intelligent thing I've ever heard Paris Hilton say, I'm sure Paris Latsis would have preferred that she came to that decision before he paid for that god awful gaudy ring. A 24 caret, 5 million dollar ring is expensive no matter how much money daddy has wrapped up in his shady bank vaults.

Hilton also commented on how she has a very busy career and she refuses to give that up. Sources say that Miss Delusional was serious when she made that statement. I still don't know what Paris does exactly. Sure, she gets drunk, coked up, and sleeps with lots of people but I do that and I don't consider that a career. I consider it a self-destructive cry for help. Scratch that. It's a demand for help. Boys don't cry. Effeminate 80s rockers don't even cry.

Hilton said she still loves Latsis and the pair will continue to work together on business endeavors and have "movies together in the works."

Looks like we can expect another Paris Hilton sex tape. That's awesome. I first watched the last one inside of this Australian dude's truck with bowling for soup while tailgating at a cowboy's preseason game. I then got a copy and watched it over 300 times in private. It's still raw. I fear the skin will never grow back.

Vapid Hose Bag Defends Other Vapid Hose Bag

2005-09-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

BOGOTA, Colombia - Naomi Campbell has spoken out in support of Kate Moss, who has lost three modeling contracts and is being investigated by London police on allegations that she used cocaine.

"Kate Moss is my friend ... I think it's like everybody is being bad to her," the 35-year-old supermodel told a news conference Sunday in the Colombian capital where she was judging a modeling competition.

Kate Moss lost those modeling contracts after pictures of her doing cocaine off of a CD case hit all the tabloids. I never thought Kate Moss was hot but there's something about a dirty whore doing lines that does something to me. I'm sure finding out that super models do coke isn't a shock to the agencies or companies that she was working for but, you might not want Naomi Campbell defending you. If you recall, that's the crazy bitch that openly admits that her life was almost ended because of her cocaine use. I don't feel sorry for super models that get caught being super models. This is what they do. They dress like homeless people and go on coke binges. It's actually quite beautiful. I refuse to believe that there is some sort of conspiracy against Naomi's friend Kate. Maybe she's losing jobs because she was caught doing coke on film. Only mayors can get caught doing cocaine products and maintain their job.

Kathy Griffin is Getting Divorced

2005-09-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES - Comedian Kathy Griffin has filed for divorce after 4 1/2 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences, court documents show.

Griffin, 43, married Matt Moline in Los Angeles in February 2001. The couple have no children.

In related news, Kathy Griffin was married to a dude. I've always assumed she was a dyke. I learn something new everyday. I can imagine being married to Kathy Griffin would get very annoying very quickly. I know a few people that find her enjoyable but I just don't get it. If I had to listen to her badger in my ear with her stupid voice about reality TV and her gay audience then I'd probably pull a Robert Blake. Or, I'd crush her skull with my super strength. Yes, I have super strength.

Don Adams is Dead

2005-09-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hello God? I need to get to heaven.
I fished out a troop of bible camp kids from a well.
Oh? Would you believe that I fished out a dollar
from a urinal once?

Don Adams died on Sunday. He was 82. I grew up an insomniac and when I wasn't reading, I was watching Nick at Night. Get Smart was a staple in my childhood. Just hearing the theme song brings me back to a place where... well, it was pretty much like it is now only I was a tad bit shorter. I had a crush on Agent 99 but then she got pregnant. That was gross.

Ashton and Demi are married.

2005-09-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

The celebrity rumor-mongering sites are reporting that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were married on Saturday. Let me be the first to say congrats to the two kids. It's always good to see two people in love make the life long commitment. Some people might find it odd that Ashton is 15 years younger than Demi. Some people might find it odd that Demi was in her first movie when Ashton was only 3. Some people might find it odd that Ashton Kutcher hasn't accidentally choked on the Gerber baby food that Demi feeds him but those people are assholes. I am an open minded soul that respects love no matter how icky it might seem. You can be a negative Nate or you can be a positive Phil. Let's look at the positive aspects of this union.

Demi and Ashton would have some beautiful babies. Or rather, they would if Demi's vagina was dried up and unusable due to the menopause. It's probably for the best. Any child that is raised by Ashton Kutcher is doomed to be a retarded jerkass.
The Hollywood trend of older women and younger men makes several hot young stars available to the rest of us. Well, they probably wouldn't date you. You're lame. Me? I'm great in every single way so, I'll be knee deep in Jessica Alba's sweet ass while the rest of you jerk off to Spiderman comics or whatever it is dork asses do.
If push comes to shove, I'm certain that Demi could stomp Ashton's ass in a fist fight. THat is sure to happen. I've been married 6 times and I know that women go crazy once you say "I do". Sure, they're crazy long before but you don't have to stick it out. During a wedding, you make a vow to God and you don't want to piss off imaginary characters.

Demi walks Ashton in on his first day of school.
Ashton accidentally called the teacher mommy
and the other kids laughed at him.

But in all seriousness, I hope Ashton enjoys being the trophy woman of this old broad. I've never actually made a list but I'm certain that Demi Moore would at least be a top ten candidate of old celebrity bitches I'd nail.

Nobody Loves Robert

2005-09-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

Brad Garrett, that big dumb animal that plays the semi-retarded brother on Everybody Loves Raymond, told all the press at the Emmys that he's involved in talks for a spin-off of Raymond. CBS confirmed this. They also confirmed that they ran out of ideas for decent new programming and have ripped off NBC. They plan on taking the lamest character from their over-rated piece of shit sitcom and moving him out of state... "Hilarity" ensues. And by "hilarity" I mean hacky middle America comedy writing and canned laughter. I know that everything can't be edgy but everything can attempt to be cutting edge. The networks keep spoon feeding Middle America peppered bullshit like Joey and whatever the fuck Charlie Sheen's show is called while shows like Arrested Devlopment are being overlooked. Like the movie industry, they seem to celebrate mediocrity while wondering why nobody cares anymore. As somebody that wants to write a sitcom one day, it's disheartening. Sure, my first problem might be that my sitcom is about two stoner high school drop outs traveling around Europe with the corpse of Pope John Paul II... Hilarity ensues... But whatever, it's not my fault that the world hates the dead pope. I thought he was an all right guy. He did frequently remind me that I was going to hell but my grandparents do that all the time. Like any old person, you just say "oh grandma!" and neglect to refill their oxygen tank for a while. I'm distracted now. Look Brad, everyone may or may not love Raymond but I promise you that nobody loves Robert. Can't you just disappear like the rest of the crappy sitcom sidekicks? Stay away for 20 or so years and wait for the next big headed, coked up, fan boy to put you in his movie as a dancing hitman with a drug problem. It worked for Vinnie Barbarino. Up your nose with a rubber hose, Mr. Garrett.

Guy Ritchie and Madonna are Dicks

2005-09-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

LONDON - Fans booed Madonna and her filmmaker husband, Guy Ritchie, at the London premiere of his new movie, "Revolver," on Tuesday after the couple walked
past most of the crowd without signing autographs.
Seems to me that if you're at the premier of your new movie, the last thing you want to do is to piss off your die hard fans that just want you to scribble something that resembles your name onto some stupid piece of paper. I know that you can't sign an autograph for every peon you come across but a few would be a nice gesture. It saves you from being slammed by a weird kid in Texas on his lame blog. Yeah I know, Guy and Madonna are really upset about that. You two made a piece of shit called "Swept Away". You should make it up to your fans. As an H level celebrity, I realize that dicky acts can ruin my relationship with my fans. This is why I don't punch out strangers at bars who recognize me. And by stranger I mean a waitress or two or four. I've signed two autographs and while I don't make eye contact or small talk with the weird strange fucks that are crazy enough to assume that I'm worthy enough to admire, I don't blow smoke in their face and totally shit on them. I save that for the ladies with feces fetish. Hello ladies. Since I'm completely delusional and think that I'll be the most powerful man in entertainment one day, I'll go ahead and do everyone a solid. Print it out and show off to your friends. Show that hot piece of ass that works at your office. She'll take the panties off if you do.
There you go people.

Tyra Banks Is Awesome

2005-09-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Supermodel Tyra Banks is so eager to refute accusations she's had breast implants, she removed her bra on her new talk show to prove to the world her assets are real. The catwalk beauty, whose self-titled chat show debuted in the US last week
(ends18SEP05), is fed up with constant jibes that her boobs are enhanced, insisting their perky look is the result of using push-up bras.

That's pretty cool. Tyra Banks is pretty hot. Sure, you an see her almost naked in just about every picture she's in but any any cheap thrill is great. I love cheap. I've spent my entire life trying to get girls to take off their bras. Is it this easy? Why didn't anybody tell me this during middle school? I probably wouldn't have been arrested for trying to get a bra burning protest in the parking lot of the school. So, if it's that easy... I have a list of people who I think have fake tits. I think they should prove they don't...

The cute girl that works at my local coffee house.
Eva Longoria
Scarlett Johansson
Jessica Simpson
Mandy Moore*
Anybody born after 1975 and before 1985 that has a vagina.

NOTE: Mandy Moore also has to wear a shirt that says "dirty" while rolling around in a tub of butterscotch pudding.

It's a Boy!

2005-09-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday. Kevin Federline, who may or may not be Britney's cousin/brother, asked me to use my amazing age progression talents to produce a picture of young Preston Michaels Spears Federline at various stages of his life. Here we go...

PMS Federline at 2 years old.

PMS Federline at 28 Years Old.

PMS Federline at 29 years old.

Don't worry little guy. It's true, your dirt bag father will probably blow your inheritance on trans am parts, cartons of kools, and big league chew but look at the bright side, you came out of this vagina...

God Bless America.

Bruce Lee Gets a Statue in Bosnia

2005-09-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

SARAJEVO (AFP) - The martial arts legend Bruce Lee is to be honored with a statue in the southern Bosnian city of Mostar, as a symbolic protest against ethnic division, local authorities said.

Bruce Lee was chosen as a hero that all ethnic groups could relate to, in a city that was nearly destroyed during the fierce fighting between Croats and Muslims during Bosnia's 1992-95 war and that remains bitterly divided.

That's pretty cool. Bruce Lee is pretty cool. This is like that time I tried to get the Fort Worth Court House to build a statue in front of it depicting Jet Li and Godzilla holding hands on a pile of human skulls. They denied me my statue and I accused them of not caring about God. I told them that these criminals and lawyers need to be reminded them that the law, like God, is righteous and refuses to fuck around. They tried to tell me that Godzilla and Jet LI has nothing to do with God. I called them blasphemous pigs and declared jihad on their asses. It was around that time that they shoved me into a police car.

Johnny Depp Flies the Jolly Roger

2005-09-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

TORONTO (Reuters) - Johnny Depp, the chameleon-like actor who has played so many different roles that he may not have a self, says he's finally found a role he wants to stay in: the buccaneer Captain Jack Sparrow.

Sequels frighten Depp, but he said the chance to reprise his role as the suave Sparrow in the next two editions of "Pirates of the Caribbean" was too delicious to pass up.

Good, I love Johnny Depp as a pirate. I like it so much that I refuse to watch a movie with him in where he's not playing a pirate. That's not saying too much though. I can't really think of a Depp film that I actually liked outside of "Pirates of the Caribbean". In honor of Johnny Depp's loyalty to the pirate lifestyle, I'm going to burn down a sea port, rape the gold, and pillage the women. I'm going to fly the Jolly Roger on my 240 SX while drinking rum. I'm going to catch scurvy and queer off on a boat with a dude with one eye, one leg, and an odd looking parrot named Mr. Beaks. Hell yes, a pirate's life for me.

College Girls Want to Fuck Angelina Jolie

2005-09-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

According to Playboy magazine, 54 percent of college gals would cheat on their boyfriend with Pitt and 57 percent want to get jiggy with Jolie.

Meanwhile, 26 percent of the gals would sleep with Justin Timberlake.

# 23 percent have the hots for Britney Spears, the same percentage that would usher Usher into their bed.

# 20 percent would say “oh yes” to The O.C. star Adam Brody.

# 12 percent want to spend a night in Paris Hilton.

# Finally, Beyonce Knowles may be “Bootylicious” but only four percent of co-eds want to sleep with her.

Well, get in line ladies. The whole world wants to do borderline illegal things to Angelina Jolie. I thought the percentage would be higher. I know gay guys that want a piece of her ass. It doesn't matter though... I called dibs. Dibs is very important.

I love that commercial.
It combines my love of chicken and masturbation.

I considered calling dibs on Justin Timberlake. He is a very hot woman. I just think he'd get clingy after sex.

Bob Denver is Dead.

2005-09-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace, Little buddy.

Bob Denver, Gilligan and Maynard G. Krebs, died Friday from complications from a cancer treatment. I always hated Gilligan's Island but I dug Dobie Gillis. I watched it on Nick at Night at 4 AM as an insomniac kid. As a 20 something year old dude, I feel like I have one or twenty friends that is like Maynard G. Krebs. You know, dopey, stoner fucks who plays the bongos and hangs out in coffee houses. I think I hate my friends.

Well, one love Gilligan. I'll pour a 40 of O.E. for you.

Sean Penn: Super Hero

2005-09-06T00:26:00.000-07:00

Got a problem? Don't worry, Sean Penn is there to bail you out. Need a hand with your yard? Sean Penn is there with the hedge clippers. Need a buddy to smoke a joint with you as you get over a rough break-up? Sean Penn was fucking Spicolli, you know he'll smoke with you. Suffering in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans? Don't you worry at all, Chris Penn's brother will save you!

One Dixie cup at a time.

Don't get me wrong, Sean Penn is an all right guy for doing this but I won't forget that he's also a bump on the log dickwad either. He takes everything he does way too seriously despite the fact that the man pretends for a living. I'm just not looking forward to hearing about how he "saved little babies in New Orleans". He did the same shit when he went to Iraq. Sean Penn went to Iraq, the US picks a fight with Iraq. Sean Penn goes to New Orleans... expect a full scale invasion in the near future. Time to give those people democracy.

Another Movie About Filipino Surfers.

2005-09-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

I got invited to a fundraiser to benifet the film The Gift of Barong: A Surfing and Cultural Odyssey. The fundraiser is in Vallejo, California. Needless to say, i'm not getting my happy go lucky Fort Worthian ass all the way over there. Here is a plot summary fo the film...

The Gift of Barong is a story of two generations of Filipino American surfers as they travel to the Philippines for the first time to experience first-hand how it is to be a Filipino. Dan Moreno and Jon Villar are the two surfers who never find value in their own heritage, until now. At the end of their trip, both surfers will provide us with highlights of their physical, emotional and spritual experiences. The Gift of Barong is not only a surfing odyssey, but also a journey of cultural reconnection, identity crisis, and personal healing.
I believe I've seen this movie before. It came out 12 years ago and called Surf Ninjas. It had karate and surfing in it. It had Gamegear too. If they want me to support their film, they should turn it into a remake of that flim.

Kwantsu, Dudes!

Art Garfunkel: Master Criminal

2005-08-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

WOODSTOCK, N.Y. - Singer
Art Garfunkel, who pleaded guilty last year to pot possession in upstate New York, was charged again Sunday after a marijuana cigarette was allegedly found in the ashtray of his car, state police said.

I'm going to rest easy tonight knowing that mast criminal Art Garfunkel is off the streets. For those of you that aren't in nursing homes, Art Garfunkel is the tall creepy guy that isn't Paul Simon. Nobody believed me when I claimed that he was the anti-Christ. I have photo proof.

This photo was totally not photoshopped.
Totally.

Why can't they just leave this dude alone? I'm sure he doesn't hurt anybody and busting him for pot is like somebody commenting on me for being sexy. I know it's tempting but it's just too easy. If you are going to break his balls then at least have the decency to plant something on him. Crack, dead hooker, child porn, anything will do.

Does it bother anybody else that this took place in Woodstock? Did anybody tell Art that it was over? I guess Woody Allen was right, Paul Simon really is a douche bag. That's the only thing I learned from Annie Hall. Don't trust Paul Simon.

Suge Knight Got Shot

2005-08-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

MIAMI - Police had no suspects Sunday in the shooting of rap mogul Suge Knight at an MTV awards party — a typical development in the street-justice world of rap.

Knight, 40, was shot once in the upper right leg shortly after midnight Saturday at a star-studded bash hosted by Kanye West. He was scheduled for surgery to remove a bullet from his leg and repair a broken bone.

It's about time somebody shot Suge. It's not that I hate the man, I just would have figured he'd get shot at more than Mika Tan. This dude really fucked up though because...

...if you shoot at that man, you better make sure he's dead. Police say that it was a dude in a pink shirt. That means he's either gay, a frat boy, or both. I'd start coming up with alibis,ladies.

Bipasha Basu is Hot

2005-08-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

Bollywood actor Bipasha Basu looks on during a promotional event for her forthcoming Hindi movie 'No Entry' in Bombay, India, Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005.

Holy crap is she hot. She's hotter than the hottest thing in the hottest planet in the world. Yes, hot. There is no story here. I don't know anything about Bollywood. I did see Karma Sutra. I liked it. I don't know if that's Bollywood though. I just got out of a relationship with an Indian, dot not feather, and I think "No Entry" best describes our time together.

R. Kelly to Appear at the Video Music Awards.

2005-08-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

MTV is bringing the R&B star out of the closet and onto the stage at the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards, the network announced Tuesday.

Kelly will join previously announced performers Green Day, Coldplay, the Killers, Shakira, Kanye West, Ludacris, Mariah Carey, 50 Cent and Kelly Clarkson.

Call me old school but I don't think we should be celebrating an alleged pedophile. Especially a pedophile that pisses on his victims. That's just wrong. We all know that pissing on somebody is a sacred act that should be practiced amongst two God fearing people who are deeply in love. It shouldn't be tarnished by the guy that sang "Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number" and "Bump and Grind". This is number 3245 on a list of 20,000 reasons why MTV pisses me off. What's even more shocking is that R. Kelly has sold over 1 million copies of his latest album. Why do people do that? Do they just forget that he's going to trial in fall for child pornography? This is why stars are so jaded. They can piss on a 14 year old girl on film and people will still buy their shitty products. Hell, I can't even write about eating whales without getting death threats from people that claim that theyll never visit the site again and I didn't even write the shit. Paco did. I think this is me underestimating the stupidity of Americans once again.

This is how I think some of these brain-dead MTV addicts speak...

Douchebag number 1: Man, that new R. Kelly song "Her Age Matched Her Shoe Size" is bad ass.

Douchebag number 2: Yeah, I wonder what it's about.

Douchebag Number 1: Well, the video is about R. Kelly in a club dancing with bitches.

Douchebag Number 2: Yeah, that's sweet. Let's go buy it. Pass me my plastic glasses and bed head. I want to go emo today because white kids from upper middle class suburban homes have problems too and we'll let you know with shitty poetry and faggy lead singers.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are Nice

2005-08-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

CALGARY, Alberta - While preparing to star in a movie about an old West bad man, Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt dug up some action over the weekend in Alberta's Badlands.

Wendy Taylor, a spokeswoman for the renowned Royal Tyrrell Museum near Drumheller, said the actor and companion Angelina Jolie dropped in for a tour of the dinosaur exhibits Saturday night, and was very gracious and accommodating, the Calgary Sun reported Tuesday.

"Brad phoned to ask about the accessibility of the museum and how easy it might be for him to visit unnoticed. They did not ask us to close the museum or for an after-hours visit or any special treatment," Taylor said.

Well, aren't they just the nicest Hollywood couple ever? I know I wouldn't act like that if I was Brad PItt. I'd call them up and request all kinds of bullshit, I'd want "Rock You like a Hurricane" playing over the loud speakers and kristal pouring out of the water fountains. I'd then show up, punch out a museum staffer for looking at me funny, and push over a brontosaurus exhibit for being "faggy". If anybody had a problem with it I'd just point at my face and say, "what, I'm fucking Brad Pitt bitch. I'm the prettiest man ever and I'm fucking famous. Get out of my way or blow me,". I'd then pull out a joint, light a match by using the back of a random schlub's neck, and get high. I'm Brad Pitt and I can act like that. I was in fucking Seven.

I'd also make fun of people because
I'm sleeping with Angelina Jolie and they're not.

I wouldn't act like this for the joy of it. Sure, it might be fun but I'm a man of charity. I would think that people would like that sexiest couple on earth to have something wrong with them. They're rich, charitable, and gorgeous. It might be good for some people to be able to say, "Well, at least they're giant fucking ass holes". This might convince them to not kill themselves for being lame.

Hasta, Hunter

2005-08-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

DENVER, United States (AFP) - US writer Hunter Thompson got the send-off he wanted when his cremated ashes were shot into the sky at his Colorado home amid fireworks and cheers in a ceremony befitting his over-the-top journalistic career.

As crazy as that is, that's a pretty kick ass send off. It's almost as good as my wish to be stuffed and put in an action pose. Something like me with a salmon in my mouth looking very fierce. I'd force my grandchildren to watch after me. I'm sure that I'll probably be used as a place to hang hats and coats though. My grandchildren are such ass holes.

Hunter, We are all thankful for your work in the porn world. I hate plots in my spank flicks. Good bye lunatic.

Nelly Says to Be Cool With Your Cash.

2005-08-19T04:36:00.000-07:00

ST. LOUIS - Drawing on some high-wattage star power, the Hip-Hop Summit rolls into town on Saturday, with the city's famed rappers helping spread a message about financial empowerment.

Hometown rappers Nelly, Chingy and J-Kwon will join music and fashion mogul Russell Simmons and financial experts for the event.

They'll talk to young people about basic banking, credit scores, car and home ownership, asset management and entrepreneurship.

That's a fine goal and one that should be taught to the youth of America. I just don't think that rappers should be the ones to teach it. It's not that I don't like hip hop, I love hip hop. I don't dig Nelly or Chingy but whatever... that's besides the point. I don't think people that glamorize "bling", kristal, or big ass SUVs with "Sprewells" should be doing this. Gas prices are very high and I think that the rappers should encourage people to drive hybrid cars even though they look stupid. It's too bad MC Hammer isn't relevant anymore. I'm sure he has plenty of things to tell kids about spending money wisely. Rappers claim to spend money like it's fucking walnuts. And like the walnuts are used to buy things like clothes and liquor. The expensive kind of clothes. These walnuts are really nice. They're way nicer than normal walnuts. And like people get robbed for their walnuts. And they kept walnuts in these big ass places with vaults and shit. And people would have to wait in line for a long time and fill out a slip just to get to their walnuts. And in line, somebody always farts and people look around to see who did it but they try to not make it obvious. And strippers dance with walnuts in their g-strings so that their loser drummer boyfriend can spend the walnuts for some meth. Look, the point is, rappers shouldn't teach people about spending their walnuts. You can't tell kids that they should invest their money wisely and then turn around and throw 30 bills at a crowd. That's just dumb.

Eva Longoria Hurts Her Fine Little Head.

2005-08-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

PASADENA, Calif. - "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria was injured Wednesday during taping of the hit ABC comedy and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, officials said.

Longoria, 30, was "bumped on the head by something" while shooting on location and was taken to a hospital where she was treated and released, a spokesperson for the show said.

Longoria is expected to return to work on schedule, the spokesperson said.

The entertainment show "Access Hollywood" reported that Longoria was injured when a pole fell on her.

My heart skipped a beat when I found out that E was hurt. Yes, I call her "E". It's something between us. I can't go into it. It's a long story. Eva Longoria is beyond hot. I would love to smell the finger of her hairdresser even though it probably smells like his boyfriend's ass. I guess this injury is her punishment for having dirty dirty dirty dirty Tony Parker stink all over her. Fuck Tony Parker, I can run really fast at the basket, spin around, toss the ball over my head and almost make it. OK, I probably can't spin around and I'd probably get stripped of the ball as soon as I got a hand on it but whatever. Fuck Tony Parker. Fuck the San Antonio Spurs. Why does Eva do this to me? How she toys with my heart... it makes me cry. Then it makes me bring my pants to my ankles.

Oh, that Desperate Housewives show is decent if you put it in slow motion and fast forward through the parts where they talk.

Johansson's See Through Dress

2005-08-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

Scarlett Johansson's nipple in a see through dress. Yes, that's right. Her friggin' nipple.

To be honest, I'm a little disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it's a great looking boob and Scarlett Johansson is beautiful but I feel as though it's been over-hyped. I was expecting it to do tricks or light up or something. Maybe a nice beer tap on the side would be the ticket. Whatever, here's to her boobs.

See a couple more at deansplanet.com

Madonna Almost Pulls a Christopher Reeve, Horse Vows to Try Better Next Time

2005-08-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

For most stars in the fickle music business, the bad break is hitting middle age. For Madonna, it's suffering bad breaks on her 47th birthday.

The still potent pop powerhouse broke a collarbone, fractured a hand and cracked three ribs Tuesday after she fell from a horse while riding on her London-area estate, publicist Liz Rosenberg confirmed to E! News.

Good, Madonna is stupid and Swept Away was awful. If we were ever locked in an elevator for more than 2 hours I would be forced to strangle her with her kabbalah beads. This is the only way I could avoid her lame pseudo-British accent and her need to talk about herself. I hope the accident has left her disfigured for life so that way she'll stay away from cameras.

Oh well, too late.

I don't know where that picture is from but my god does she look awful. She looks like Sloth's little sister.

Hey You guys!

Kathie Lee Gifford Can't Stay Off TV.

2005-08-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK - Kathie Lee Gifford will join anchor Pat O'Brien on "The Insider" next month as a special correspondent for the syndicated entertainment-magazine show.

A match made in heaven

I think I'd bang Kathie Lee Gifford if I was allow to stick a sock in her mouth and cover her face with 4 shopping bags and I adore Pat O'Brien after his coked up voice mail messages leaked out. It'll also give Howard Stern an easy target. That's good. I can't wait for the sexual harassment suit that's sure to come out of this. I approve of this pairing. It's too bad that I can't stand to watch Entertainment news or anything with Kathy Lee Gifford.

MTV and Fez, A Match Made in Hell

2005-08-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

A great injustice has occurred. People should know the truth. The people that call the shots should be forced to address the tragedies that have taken place. No, I'm not talking about deaths in Iraq. I'm talking about those stupid fucks at MTV and Fez.

NEW YORK - Wilmer Valderrama, who plays Fez on "That '70s Show," will host a trash-talking competition series, "Yo Momma," set to air on MTV next year.

"Wilmer is wired into our audience. His humor, style and approachable personality make this a great fit for MTV," Brian Graden, president of entertainment, said in a recent statement

Am I that out of touch with my generation? Do I fail to see the appeal of Fez? I'd love somebody to explain it to me. I find Fez to be one of the most unlikable people in Hollywood. I suppose he does have an approachable personality, if you count approaching him with a butterfly knife. He makes me want to punch myself in the nuts and dance the cabbage patch. If he was my next door neighbor, I'd break into his house and stick opened tuna fish cans in his air ducts. He'd look quite foolish when he's trying to bang whatever underage pop tart is hot at the time when his place smells like a Korean market.

MTV proves just how stupid they think their viewers are again. I'm sick of watching college girls watch Xhibit's "Pimp My Ride", Nick Cannon's "Pimp Your Humor", or that scripted piece of shit "Pimp my Mom" when I break into their dorm rooms and hide in their closets. It almost makes me lose my wood. Almost. If MTV really wanted a kick ass show then they'd let me do "WIll the Blogger Hates You". It's a show where I walk up to people and tell them why they're stupid and/or ugly. It's pretty much what I do now only I get to have better lighting. Better lighting is kick ass.

Somebody Fucked That Thing

2005-08-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK - Britney Spears was 18 when she lost it. So was Marcia Cross from "Desperate Housewives." Ozzy Osbourne was 14. His daughter, Kelly, was 16. Gary Coleman? Well, he might still have it.

This story from the AP is about celibate celebrities or something. I don't know and I don't care. What I do care about is that somebody would actually stick their dick inside of Kelly Osbourne. That's disgusting. I've seen feces eating pigs that are sexier than that feces eating pig. It upsets me that some gay dude used her as a beard. I know the person she lost it to was gay because no straight man in their right mind would even come near her vagina. That's so gross.

Oink oink, you spoiled bitch.

Pamela Anderson Got Roasted

2005-08-15T02:05:00.000-07:00

I watched Pamela Anderson's Roast on Comedy Central a few hours ago. It was pretty funny. I love a good roast. I've always wanted to do one. The usual roast bad asses were there, Giraldo, Dipaolo, Lisa Lampanelli. I really never get tired of New York comics shitting on people. Tommy Lee should stick to not doing anything. Motley Crue sucks and so does he. Andy Dick and Courtney Love made for great easy targets but Courtney seemed to have been offended by all the drug references that were made about her. She kept reminding them that she had been clean for a year. Well, guess what? She hasn't been clean. I don't know if anybody explained to Courtney about what goes on at a roast but, I hate it when people get offended by that shit. Now I'll grant you... Yes, it was a little mean to say that she looks worse than Kurt Cobain but god damn was that shit golden.

Thanks Canada, for maple syrup and fun bags.

You could also see through Pamela Anderson's dress but those of you that follow thesuperficial.com would know that all ready. It's not that big a deal. It's not like you can be alive in the world today and never have seen Pamela Anderson's nipples. Hell, a copy of one of her playboys is issued to young boys in Congo as a rite of passage. Yes, that's true.

I've never been into Pam Anderson. It's not that I hate fake tits. I love fake tits with every inch of my 3 inch penis. I just think that she looks very Pam Andersonish. I think she's pleasant to look at but I don't go out of my way to look. I blame mainstream porn. Every girl attempted to get the same look and it probably killed it for me. I watched her sex tape but Tommy Lee's penis scared me so much that I couldn't get off on it. It was like watching weird nut kick porn.

Watch the roast during one of the thousand times that Comedy Central will replay it.

Fat Band Upset for Being called Fat

2005-08-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

LONDON (Reuters) - One of Britain's most highly-rated new pop bands stormed out of their debut performance on BBC TV show "Top of the Pops" after a presenter allegedly described them as "fat."

The Magic Numbers, made up of two pairs of siblings, refused to perform their new single on Sunday's show after taking offence at remarks made by guest host Richard Bacon.

Newspapers reported that in rehearsals Bacon introduced the band by saying: "What do you get when you put two brothers and sisters in a band? A big fat melting pot of talent."

Boo-fucking-hoo, fatties. Yes, they are indeed fat. I did a little research and found this...

Yes, fat and they look like they stink

This Bacon dude was just introducing them and by the sounds of it, he wasn't being mean. If I was introducing them I would have said, "yeah, here's two groups of siblings who's parents should have poked with a wire hanger. They're stupid, fat, and they smell like the inside of a chimpanzee's ass hole. If you actually like them then you should shoot yourself because you're nothing but a drain on society,". Considering the other introduction options, these pusses should be happy to have a "big fat melting pot of talent". I'm sure their melting pot would make a great fondue. Enjoy it, tubbos.

Everybody is Doing it. You Should Too. Don't Be a Square.

2005-08-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

Is Hollywood going one toke over the line? Marijuana use is cropping up on some critically acclaimed shows, and anti-drug forces fear the glamorization of pot could boost its use among youths.

***

Hollywood's embellishment of marijuana use is "irresponsible," says Tom Riley of the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy.

Tom Riley later reminded the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. I have noticed more and more weed use and references on TV lately. Big fucking whoop. TV doesn't make kids do drugs, the need to fit in with their peers, low self-esteem, and bad parenting leads them into a life of blunts and an endless desire for cereal.

Of course the use of marijuana on TV is "irresponsible". Most of the potheads I know are pretty irresponsible. Hell, one time I was suppose to go down to San Antonio for a job offer but I got sidetracked in Austin by my cousin, my friend Jeremy, and a mason jar filled with hydro. A day later, the weed was gone, I managed to piss off the only girl I knew there, my cousin was angry because we smoked all the weed without him, and the job was given to somebody else. That's pretty irresponsible.

The shows they list as offenders aren't shows that children should be watching anyway. Rescue Me, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Desperate Housewives are known to be not so family friendly. You know, aside from that time that Larry David tripped Shaq. That was something the whole family could enjoy.

You know what they should do? They should attempt to scare people by telling them that buying drugs is supporting terrorism. Wait, that didn't work. They should make a commercial where somebody fries an egg to show the effects of drugs. No, that just makes the stoners crave the Waffle House. They should make an anti-drug video game where narcs carelessly blast junkies away, littering their body parts all over the street.

No, that just gave people something to play when they were on acid. How about propaganda films that warn the use of "giggle weed" is worse than heroin and will lead you to a crazed murdering rampage. Boy, Reefer Madness and Marihuana sure are swell shows to watch when I'm out of my skull on hydro.

If you really want to help cut down on drug use amongst the youth and you really want to blame TV, you should blame children's programming. Barney is nothing but a bunch of kids freaking out on mushrooms while singing and dancing with an imaginary dinosaur.

Sesame Street is littered with unethical behavior. We all know that Ernie and Burt are gay lovers, cookie monster... don't get me started on that fucking guy, and Grover is some sort of dangerous minority. That's why he always has so many jobs. I'm thinking Mexican or Jamaican, something weird like that.

I'm not even going to comment on Mr. Rogers' Xanax and Opium fun hour. The land of make believe... good god man.

I shall combat this man's combat against pot on TV by smoking more pot while watching TV. That'll show him.

That Kid from the "Dead People" Movie Looks Strange

2005-08-02T03:29:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Oscar-nominated US child star
Haley Joel Osment is returning to the big screen after a two-year break to star in a coming-of-age movie titled "Home of the Giants," industry press said.

Blah blah blah nobody fucking cares blah blah blah

The real story is...

Haley Joel Osment looks really fucking weird. He was always a little odd looking but now he's odd looking and he resembles a date rapist.

Also, what's the deal with movies casting ugly babies? I was downstairs while my sister and her boyfriend were watching Troy. I look up to see that Hector's baby is a mutant. I think most babies are ugly but I'm sure that Hollywood could find at least one sexy baby. I'm positive that there is some "never-was actress" waitress with some child that her mom is watching that she's willing to whore out to Hollywood. If anything it'll make for a great E! True Hollywood Story: Sexy Baby. I also noticed that Eric Bana, who plays Hector, is almost identical to his Mark "Chopper" Read character from "Chopper". He'd kill somebody then immediately feel bad about it. Hector just lacked the head butting of mothers and dick whip outs. That would have been pretty funny.

Burt Reynolds Might go Gay for Willie Nelson.

2005-08-01T02:35:00.000-07:00

DELIVERANCE star BURT REYNOLDS was so impressed with country legend WILLIE NELSON when they met, the actor's now convinced they'd have made the perfect gay couple.

Well, that's about the worse visual I can ever think up. I'm sure somebody might find that attractive. I'm also sure that we should lock that person up forever. Burt, Willie does so many drugs. Do you really think that he could get it up? Maybe you're into that. Yeah, I'm sure Burt would by the pitcher in that relationship. That being said, I would like to announce that I think I would make a great gay lover to Scarlett Johansson

Too bad I'm not gay. She's not gay either. Hey, what are we waiting for then? Why aren't we hooking up? You know, aside from the whole "you being out of my league" thing. I'm also failry certain that the fact that you don't know who I am and that I wrote a whole piece about what I'd do with your corpse would also hurt my chances of sticking my face in between your boobs and saying "booga booga booga booooOO!!!!!" You're so stuck up. This will never work out. Just leave me alone, crazy lady. That Orlando Bloom chick is sort of hot. Maybe I'll give her a shot.

David Lynch Thinks Pussification Will Grant World Peace

2005-07-21T03:35:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, (AFP) - US film directorDavid Lynch wants to raise seven billion dollars to fund a giant programme of transcendental meditation which he says will foster world peace, he told AFP.

David Lynch is stupid. I hated Twin Peaks. Meditation won't foster world peace. If it did then we certainly wouldn't be ready for when the Martians come to invade. Oh yes, they will come to invade us. Don't believe me? Look at Tibet, bunch of monks sitting around meditating and then BOOM! Tibet becomes New China. If you really want world peace then let me handle it. I have a sound solution that will guarantee results. World peace can only be achieved by snuffing out all life on earth. You people can give me 7 billion dollars to kill every single person on the planet. Then, after I realize that the 7 billion dollars is useless now that everyone is dead, I'll dig up Scarlett Johansson's corpse. I'd take her to fancy dinners where the corpses of the waiting staff yield to our every demand. I would win her over with my sharp wit and devilish good looks. Then, after a night of romance, I'd make sweet love to her. In the morning, I'd be gone with nothing more than a left-behind sock and her purse gone to remember me by. The next day, I'd do the same with Natalie Portman.

Michael Jackson is a No-Show in Court Hearing

2005-07-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) -
Michael Jackson failed to show up in court on Wednesday for a hearing on a lawsuit by a man who says the pop singer held him against his will and sexually assaulted him in 1984.

1984? Dude, get over it. That was 21 years ago. Boo fucking hoo, "Michael Jackson raped me and beat me up!" At least you got him when he was still somewhat human looking. Oh wait, there's more.

Plaintiff Joseph Bartucci claims he was lured into Jackson's limousine during a trip to the 1984 World's Fair and sexually assaulted and battered while held against his will for several days.

Bartucci, 18 at the time of the alleged assault, has said his memories of the events were suppressed until two years ago, when news coverage of child molestation charges against Jackson in California revived them.

OK, I call bull shit. There is no way in hell an 18 year old man could be held down against his will by Michael Jackson. Thriller Michael Jackson couldn't even do that and he's a dancing zombie. Let us think this one through...

Possible Scenarios

Michael Jackson sees cute 18 year old Bartucci skipping around happily at the World's Fair, convinces him to come to his limo, Bartucci feels obligated to satisfy the King of Pop, and Jacko pops on his face. Bartucci feels ashamed of his homosexual experience and keeps it a secret. He then watches the creepy E Channel reenactments of the trial, register sound rings in his ears, and now he's suddenly a victim of big, mean, Michael Jackson.
Bartucci meets Michael Jackson at the World's Fair. Michael finds out his age and dismisses him for being too old. Bartucci falls into a deep pit of misery after the rejection. Waits 18 years for the right time to spring his revenge plan into place.
Bartucci never went to the World's Fair. Took LSD and hallucinated the whole thing. Never takes LSD again.

One more thing... Who can blame Michael for not showing off for court in Louisiana? They don't even have a real court. They just meet at a waffle house in Baton Rouge and discuss the problem with "Beady-Eyed" Billy Beauchamp, Krazy Karl, Jeff the mechanic, and Stella the chain smoking waitress.

Salma Hayek Talks to Senate, Senators take an immediate 15 minute bathroom break.

2005-07-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

Hollywood star Salma Hayek appealed to the US Senate, speaking out for victims of domestic violence and calling for legislators to renew and strengthen a key law targetting such abuse.

Salma Hayek doesn't want to be punched in the face. That's cool. I too agree that domestic violence is awful. Salma, if you're reading this, let us take up this campaign together. If we work closely, very closely, we may see a day where a bitch won't get a cigar put out on her face for burning the meat loaf. Did I say bitch? I meant "woman". Brown-skinned, apple bottomed, boobie blessed, absolutely perfect woman. You will love me damn it. I love you for more than your body. I love you for your mind too. You will give in. If I have to pull a Van Gogh to prove it, you bet your sweet tits I'd do it. Just keep my body parts on ice until you finally give in. Thanks. Ciao babe.

Look at her intelligence and confidence.
Those great big beautiful pair of
intelligence and confidence.

Jet Li Punches Suicide in the Nuts

2005-07-17T23:50:00.000-07:00

Jet Li's way of handling the high number of suicides in China: make a kung fu movie. That's pretty awesome. Jet Li is pretty awesome. Therefore, suicide is pretty awesome.

HONG KONG, China (AP) -- Actor Jet Li says the high number of suicides in China prompted him to make his new movie about kung fu master Huo Yuanjia, saying he wants to inspire youngsters to live life to the fullest like Huo did, a newspaper reported Monday.

So, I took it upon myself to do a little research on IMDB.com

Fok Yuanjia (Li) dreams of continuing the legacy his father established as a world-class fighter in China. After reaching his goal, however, a personal tragedy causes him to disappear for several years. He's not heard from until the honor of defending his country in an international tournament surfaces.

That's sounds like a pretty good excuse to have Jet Li kick people in the face. I support this. However, I can't foresee some manic depressive Chinese guy telling himself, "well, life sucks and all but Jet Li is about to release a new movie... guess I'll just wait a while before I hang myself". I can see lonely over-weight virgin white guys saying this but the Chinese are a very focused and proud people. If they want to kill themselves then they will. They'll also do it quickly and more efficiently. Americans are too lazy and flaky. But be warned China, if you steal my suicide method, I'll kick your ass. Only I can cut my own head off with a chainsaw in my grandmother's house. You can borrow my second choice, ODing on vicodin while looking at jizzonmyglasses.com. Yeah, that's pretty fucking sweet too.

So remember kids...

The more you do this...

...the more people Jet LI hits with an umbrella.
Hell yeah.

Before you people start to cry and/or celebrate, I'm just pretending to be ODed on vicodin in that picture. I assure you that I only took enough to make me feel sexy. Besides, I'm Filipino. If we kill ourselves then Ernie Reyes makes a movie and we already have Surf Ninjas. Yeah, I wouldn't do that to you people.

Oh and one more thing... kids, drugs are bad.

haha, I'm kidding. They're fucking sweet.

Paris Hilton's Stupid Fucking Ring

2005-06-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Paco and I enjoy thesuperfical.com a lot. It's one of our favorite sites. The guy or girl or people that run it are really clever. You people should go there too. They also point things out like this.

Jesus Christ, look at that fucking ring. You could have a ridiculous looking ring or you could wipe out world hunger. You could celebrate the engagement of a relationship that is likely to crumble within a few months or you could buy homes for tsunami orphans. Hell, I'd probably not spend it on all that noble shit. I'd just get some BBQ and some DVDs or something. I just hate jewelry especially a giant piece of shit like that.

Penelope Cruz and Her Boobies

2005-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Tom Cruise is in the news for just about everything these days. It's only a matter of time until we get reports about Tom coughing 3 times while Katie Holmes patted his back. It's really inane shit that everyone is reporting on. Well, leave it to the Sun to get to the stories that I like, Penelope Cruz's boobs. It's not that big a deal since you can see her breast in just about every movie out there but it's still fun. The downside is that I can't get past the fact that she probably had Cruise jizz all over her Cruz tits. I'm lying. I'm over it. Penelope, lets do lunch some time. Have your people contact my people. We can split a Taco Bell party pack. Ciao babe.

HERE IS THE PICTURE, It's not safe for work so... yeah. Team Wilco loves you readers. That's why we share things like this.

Haha, I'm kidding. Team Wilco fucking hates you.

Angelina Jolie is Bad at the Sex (not likely)

2005-06-18T04:41:00.000-07:00

Billy Bob Thornton is doing what most men do when they see their ex hooked up with an obviously more attractive man, he's pissing all over her sexual talent.

"Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good," Thornton says in July's Esquire. "Sometimes with the model, the actress or the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may literally be like f-ing the couch."

Now, Billy Bob didn't exactly name Angelina as a bum lay but all the rags and rumor mongering website are jumping to that conclusion. Since I'm never one to argue with the Enquirer, Sun, New York Post, or the Superficial.com, then I will join their bandwagon.

Let's look at this quote though...

"Sometimes with the model, the actress or the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may literally be like f-ing the couch."

Fucking Angelina Jolie might be like fucking a couch? Oh really? Let us look at my couch.

Ok, it's not really a couch. It's a camper's couch thing. It's sort of like a couch. Give me a fucking break, I'm poor. Let us compare my "couch" to Angelina Jolie...

It's not the same at all. Physically, my couch and Angelina Jolie do not resemble each other. I haven't had sex with Angelina Jolie yet, I sign up for the waiting list, but I'm fairly certain that sex with her isn't the equivalent of rubbing my small Asian cock all over the canvas hide that makes up my couch. Angelina may just lay there like a dead fish but that's OK. I'm having sex with one of the hottest women in Hollywood ever. The bragging rights alone are worth the risk of catching whatever strange African STDs she may have picked up. I would pay 200 dollars just to sniff her hair clippings. I'd pay 400 to take a shot of her bath water. I'd kill a man for an old tampon. If she just laid their like a corpse during our love making sessions, then that's fine. Hell, I screw my hand while pretending that it's Angelina Jolie and I'm not that exciting either. My couch has zero sexual appeal though. I mean look...

Would you rather fuck this...

or this?

It's a no brainer. Even straight women want to lick Angelina Jolie's ass hole.

Not Guilty

2005-06-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Who's bad? Not Michael, He ain't no child fucker.

I'm going to go drink some Jesus Juice and fuck a boy scout while listening to Thriller now.

Tom Cruise coverage reaches maximum density

2005-06-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to avoid this issue for a while now, but it seems that I've got to draw the line. No matter where I turn, it seems like I keep seeing Tom Cruise doing something obnoxious. I don't want to add anymore publicity to this fuck - but really, let's face it, every other media outlet keeps regurgitating stories about him and nobody really cares what I think.

And then I saw this little piece of non-news:

Cruise Says Holmes 'Digs' Scientology
Sat Jun 11,10:35 PM ET

NEW YORK - Tom Cruise says girlfriend Katie Holmes "digs" the Church of Scientology. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Cruise says the 26-year-old "Batman Begins" actress is curious about Scientology, founded by L. Ron Hubbard.

"Yes, absolutely. She digs it," the 42-year-old actor tells the magazine.

Wow, she "digs" it... that's really "groovy". You know, I expect this kind of useless information from Entertainment Weekly, but the fact the Associated Press felt the need to pick it up boggles the mind. I'd like to e-mail whoever wrote the AP article, but they were smart enough not to take credit for it.

Tom Cruise's next publicity stunt:
12 rounds with what's left of Mike Tyson

This is why I've decided the time has come to make a deal with Tom Cruise:

Tom, if you're reading this, I'd just like you to know that I'm aware you are dating Katie Holmes, and that War of the Worlds opens June 29th and Batman Begins opens June 15th. I'd also like you to know that I am throwing in the towel and surrendering to your publicity machine. I will go see both Batman Begins and War of the Worlds on opening day, under one condition: that you please shut the fuck up between now and then. Thank you.

Jessica Alba's Nipples

2005-06-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

Originally, I was going to do an article about why I hate the San Antonio Spurs. I decided that nobody wanted to read that. They'd rather look at Jessica Alba's boobs. I'm sure that many of you Internet weirdos have seen these all ready but just in case... HERE I really love when hot celebrity chicks have awesome taste in clothing. My two favorite colors are see through and tight. I would have posted these over the weekend but I wasn't done "using" them yet. I'm sorry if your monitor is a little sticky. I'm sure you understand.

hmmmmmmmm.....mmmmm....mmmmmmm
I still want to do blow off of that.

Cause We Don't Have Enough Money

2005-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

Life can be lonely when you're young, rich, beautiful, and slutty. It's even worse when you are a complete idiot. Nobody can understand the misery that you go through on a daily basis. You can only wake up in a pool of your own vomit in the back of your limo at 4 PM so many times before you start to desire somebody to share that feeling with. Discovering your panties are soaked in the urine of a stranger is an experience that should be shared.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Hotel heiress and "The Simple Life" reality TV star Paris Hilton is reportedly engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis.

"They are happy and excited," Hilton spokesman Rob Shuter told People magazine, which reported the engagement Monday on its Web site.

Latsis proposed to the 24-year-old Hilton Wednesday after she returned from a three-week publicity tour in Europe to promote her horror flick "House of Wax" and her new fragrance.

Paris Hilton is marrying this guy...

yeah, that guy...

Everyone's favorite GED wielding hotel heiress is getting hitched to another idiot with too much money named Paris. This just seems pompous. I am firmly against marrying somebody that shares your first name. I will never ever marry some chick named "Will". I'm not going to pretend to know the inner workings of their relationship but, is being Paris Hilton so difficult that the only one that would understand is the male version of her? Is she even smart enough to think that way? Does she think it's just cute to be in a relationship that could be called "P2" by the rumor mongering sheets/sites? These are the questions that the people demand answers to. I shall not sleep until I discover the truth...

Which is why you people should give me money for an 8-ball. You can donate my drug money to the Team Wilco Pay Pal account. The button is located on the right. It's the one that says "Pay Pal"... clever huh?

****

In unrelated news...

While fucking around on the Internet at 5 AM on Sunday morning, I may or may not have been on drugs at the time, I discovered a site that I think is hilarious. I recommend it to anyone that likes or hates Basketball. I liked the articles by Shawn Bradley and Dirk Nowitzki the most, I'm a bit of a homer. So read it, or Magic Johnson will give you the AIDs.

Motley Crue still sucks

2005-05-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Who the hell even cares about Motley Crue anymore?

LOS ANGELES - Motley Crue has sued NBC for banning the group after lead singer Vince Neil used an expletive during a live broadcast of "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."

The federal lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles on Tuesday, accuses the network of violating the band's free-speech rights and hurting its record sales by barring it from NBC shows to placate the Federal Communications Commission. The suit seeks a court order lifting the ban as well as unspecified damages.

Neil used the f-word during the live New Year's Eve broadcast as he yelled a greeting to bandmate Tommy Lee shortly after midnight.

The group claims a planned appearance on NBC's "Last Call With Carson Daly" was canceled, while it was prohibited from other network programs. That allegedly cost it media exposure that weakened ticket, merchandise and album sales, the suit claims.

Ok, since when does not being allowed to appear on a privately-owned television network a violation of the first ammendment? I wish I would of known this earlier, I would have allready sued for the right to appear on PBS every weekday afternoon at 3pm to tell children that Jesus isn't real.

You litigious cocksmokers,
I hope lawyers end up with all your money.

Really, this is quite possibly the weakest attempt ever of using the first ammendment to cover up the fact you're a fucking moron, Vince Neil. Here's an idea... don't use the word "fuck" on live television. You kinda have to expect to be banned from that network after you do that, in this post-wardrobe malfunction world we live in. Hell, you should of kinda expected that pre-wardrobe malfunction. I'm sorry that tickets to your 12th reunion tour aren't selling that well and you won't be able to afford more plastic surgery to cover up the fact you're a washed up, over the hill, bloated rock star, but let's face it... you could appear on Carson Daly's show every night for the next 5 years and I don't think that'd affect ticket sales. I think the fact that Motley Crue sucked balls 20 years ago, and sucks even bigger balls now kinda trumps whatever possible publicity you've lost from this incident.

The fact of the matter is, NBC is running a business, and whenever you bring down the prying eyes of the FCC on them, it fucks with their business. They have every right to refuse to put you and your bad facelift on television sets across the country. NBC can't just throw together a "reunion tour" with old episodes of Friends, Seinfeld, and Cheers to make money like has-been rock stars do, they have to preserve what they have and not fuck it up by letting a douchebag like Vince Neil on the airwaves.

In completely unrelated news...

PONCHATOULA, La. -- Ohio authorities who arrested a suspect in an alleged Louisiana cult that had sex with children and animals on Friday searched a storage unit, where they found mattresses, videos and nine garbage bags full of costumes.

Authorities said Nicole Bernard, wanted on a charge of aggravated rape, waived extradition Tuesday in Franklin County Common Pleas Court, and likely will return to Louisiana Wednesday night.

According to an attachment requesting to search the storage facility rented by Bernard, former Hosanna pastor Louis Lamonica walked into the Livingston Parish Sheriff's Office May 16 and confessed that he started a Satanic pedophile ring within the church in 1999. The attachment said Lamonica implicated himself and six other adults in ritual rape sessions involving animals and about 15 child victims.

Bernard is one of nine people arrested so far. Tangipahoa Parish sheriff's spokeswoman Laura Covington said a dozen or more people could be involved.

Ok, well, maybe it's not completely unrelated. That's 9 less tickets Motley Crue are going to sell now.

"Shout... shout... shout at the DEVIL!"

Retraction: Dave Chappelle is not crazy

2005-05-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

Editorial Note:

Recently, there was a post entitled "I'm in Rehab Bitch". In it, Will used information from a source that was innacurate. During the massive manhunt to find Dave Chappelle, we, like everyone else, were desperate for answers and broke the cardinal rule of journalism: never, ever believe anything you read in Entertainment Weekly.

Dave Chappelle has not checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa and remained there since late April as previously reported. He has spoken with Time Magazine over the weekend, however:

The first thing Chappelle wants is to dispel rumors—that he's got a drug problem, that he's checked into a mental institution in Durban—that have been flying around the U.S. for the past week. He says he is staying with a friend, Salim Domar, and not in a mental institution, as has been widely reported in America. Chappelle says he is in South Africa to find "a quiet place" for a while. "Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh. I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here."

We here at Team Wilco apologize for all the chaos we may have caused in publishing this inaccurate report.

On a personal note, I'd like to say that I feel for Dave Chappelle. If you think you're sick of douchebags shouting out "I'm Rick James, bitch" or doing Lil John impressions, think how Dave must feel. I bet there isn't a day he could go out in a public area without hearing "Whaaaaat?" "Yeeeeeeaa!" or "Ooooooo Kkkkkkk!" AT LEAST 100 times. He, like anyone else, just wanted some alone time. I know if it was me in his situation, I'd do the same thing, except the whole going to South Africa part. But where is he supposed to go when he just doesn't want to be recognized for once? I'm no expert on South Africa, but I imagine a skinny black guy would fit in pretty well there. Me? I'd stick out like a sore thumb. If I had to get away, I think I'd probably go to Australia. I'd blend right in with my pasty white skin, bad haircut, and genetic predisposition towards criminal behavior. Regardless, there was no reason to go all "Jennifer Wilbanks" on him. Sorry, Dave.

Celebrity Broads I Want To Nail: Revised

2005-05-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's time for my first revision to my "Celebrity Broads I Want To Nail" list.

Side note: If any of you think Lindsay Lohan is hot, she looks like she's been smoking meth with Nicole Richie (to me, that made her 10 times hotter, but most people will disagree). Unfortunately, Nicole Richie never showed Lindsay how your boobs turn into pancakes when you do alot of meth.

Another side note: I can't prove that Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie have been actually smoking meth, this is just wild speculation based on my own experience dating chicks from East Dallas.

~~Natalie Portman~~
Age: 23
Claim to fame: Princess Amidala.
Former spot in Top 5: #4
Reason for fall from Top 5: Shaving her fucking head.

The Top 5:

#5 Paris Hilton

#4 Eva Longoria
Age: 30
Claim to fame: "Desperate Housewives" star.
Former spot in Top 5: First time.
Reason for being in Top 5: She's smoking hot.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: She's dating that Frenchy scumbag Tony Parker from the San Antonio Spurs.

#3 Elisha Cuthbert

#2 Charlotte Casiraghi

#1 Keira Knightley

I'm in Rehab, Bitch

2005-05-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Unless you are back packing through caves in beautiful Afghanistan, then you know that the single most tragic event of the last decade has taken place. Dave Chappelle ran away. The production on the third season of The Chappelle Show has been postponed indefinitely. The rumor mongers have been mongering up all kinds of scenarios. I've heard that he was in "hardcore drug rehab". That makes sense. It's obvious that you can't write things like "Prince plays basketball" without a lucid mind. It's also been said that he has "strengthened his bond to the Muslim faith". I suppose that's a good excuse too. I don't know much about it but I suppose Allah doesn't smile upon people that work with the Jewish devils. Well, leave it to a highly respected source like Entertainment Weekly to discover the truth...

Comedian Dave Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa and has remained there since late April, according to a source close to the situation. The same source denies rumors of drug abuse. Other sources have also told EW that the future of Chappelle's Show — the hit Comedy Central series that was entering its third season — is more uncertain than the network has suggested.

If Entertainment Weekly says it then it must be true. It appears that Chappelle Show is no more. This is a sad day for all comedy enthusiast. Chappelle was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant environment. There is no need to fret though. There can be some good to come out of this.

1. Carlos Mencia's new show might get more of a push.
Carlos is a great comedian and a nice dude. I've met him on numerous occasions and he's nothing but class and personality. My only problem is that he criticized my morning drinking habits. Aside from that sin, I'd love to see him do well. Anybody that has seen or heard his act knows that Carlos can "bring it" better than a skanky blonde with saggy tits and bad teeth in some shitty Cheerleader movie. Visit Carlos Mencia's website.

2. Dave Chappelle can go back to making fine examples of American Cinema.
Who can forget classics like Woo and Blue Streak?

It's only the single most important piece of art ever.

3. Frat boys will eventually stop quoting him every three minutes.
I do believe that this is the best thing that can come out of this. I thought that the Rick James sketch was awesome. I thought it was one of the funniest things that I've seen in a long time. It was a great tribute to the TRUE godfather of everything, Rick James. (My father taught me, at a very young age, that Rick James is more important than the Beatles, Elvis, and Jesus combined) The phrase "I'm Rick James bitch!" was funny in the context of the sketch. When douche bag frat boy types yell it for no reason whatsoever to get a cheap laugh from their knuckle dragging confidants, it's irritating. It's so irritating that I can't even describe how it makes me feel.

It's overplayed bitch!

In completely unrelated news : I was a little rough on Cody Dangalang last night at Pugs and Kelly dodgeball. I suppose a good man would apologize. Thank the god that I don't really believe in that I'm an awful human being.

Celebrity Broads I Want To Nail

2005-04-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this list in a long, long time, and it's about time I do.... several recents events have shaken up this list considerably. First, let me list the broads who have fallen out of my Top 5, some probably for good.

~~Britney Spears~~
Age: 23
Claim to fame: Being a piece of ass, pretending to be a singer.
Former spot in Top 5: #1
Reason for fall from Top 5: Getting knocked up with Kevin Federline's cracker seed.

~~Katie Holmes~~
Age: 26
Claim to fame: Being the girl next door on Dawson's Creek, showing off her boobs in some movie that will only be remembered as the movie Katie Holmes showed off her boobs in.
Former spot in Top 5: #4
Reason for fall from Top 5: Tom Cruise stink, which has sunken past Top 5ers like Penelope Cruz.

~~Athina Onassis Roussel~~
Age: 20
Claim to fame: Inherited almost a billion dollars from her grandfather, Aristotle Onassis.
Former spot in Top 5: #5
Reason for fall from Top 5: There's way hotter chicks with nearly as much money.

And now... on to the Top 5:

#5 Paris Hilton
Age: 24
Claim to fame: Heir to the Hilton hotel empire, being a media whore, making sex tapes.
Former spot in Top 5: First time
Reason for being in the Top 5: Yea, she's a slut. But she's a rich slut. And that's kinda hot.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: She's a vapid hosebag.

#4 Natalie Portman
Age: 23
Claim to fame: Princess Amidala.
Former spot in Top 5: #3
Reason for being in Top 5: She's hot, and I'm a Star Wars dork.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: She's a vegetarian, and I don't trust people who don't partake in murder for sustenance.

#3 Elisha Cuthbert
Age: 22
Claim to fame: Played Luke Wilson's boss's high school aged daughter in Old School, and a porn star in The Girl Next Door.
Former spot in Top 5: First time
Reason for being in Top 5: Watch The Girl Next Door. Really, it's not that bad of a movie.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: She's engaged to Justin Timberlake's personal assistant.

#2 Charlotte Casiraghi
Age: 18
Claim to fame: Grace Kelly's barely legal granddaughter, 4th in line for the Monaco crown.
Former spot in Top 5: First time
Reason for being in Top 5: She's royalty, but not the freaky looking inbred type.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: None that I can think of.

#1 Keira Knightley
Age: 20
Claim to fame: Pirates of the Carribean starlet.
Former spot in Top 5: #2
Reason for being in Top 5: She looks like Natalie Portman, except has a hot Brittish accent.
Reason she'll drop out of the Top 5 sometime soon: None that I can think of.

Michael Jackson Trial: Day... ah, fuck it

2005-03-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, yea, so if you haven't noticed, I quit paying attention to the Michael Jackson trial. Wow, big suprise, I get excited with something for a week, then completely forget about it. Maybe I got distracted by something shiny. Maybe my busy schedule distracted me from the task at hand (yea, right). Maybe the lack of caffeine after cutting Dr. Pepper out of my diet has sapped me of my vital life force. Maybe I ran out of jokes about child molestation. Whatever the reason, I think one thing is clear thus far: Michael Jackson is probably a kid toucher, but is probably going to walk. Anyways, that's it for the "Trial of the Century". If something interesting comes up, like video of Michael Jackson fellating Bubbles the chimpanzee, I'll be sure to let you all know.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

2005-03-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson's attorney, Thomas Mesereau, just hit a home run. The 14 year old boy who testified that he saw Michael Jackson jerk off while groping his unconscious brother admitted that Michael Jackson didn't show him the porno magazine that the prosecution had introduced as evidence. Mesereau also got the boy to admit that he lied under oath in a previous law suit. Mesereau also brought up an alarm system that Weirdy McWeirdenstein keeps in his home that alerts him if anybody is outside his bedroom. This would be good just in case you were secretly molesting little boys.

"So the two times you claim you saw Michael Jackson touching your brother in bed, that alarm went off?" asked Mesereau.

"Yes," said the boy.

When the boy testified about the alleged molestation on Monday he did not mention any bell or alarm system and said his brother slept through both incidents, snoring at one point.

It looks like Michael Jackson is going to moonwalk his way to freedom. I just can't stand it. Is there no way to lock him up based solely on the fact that he's weird? Conspiracy of being a weirdo? I could understand the President having an alarm outside his bedroom chambers or a coke lord but, this is an 80s pop icon. What purpose would an alarm outside his door have?

In related news, now everytime I see Michael Jackson I think, "Man, I bet that dude has a funny looking penis". Then I vomit a little.

In completely unrelated news, I decided that chicks from Lebanon are hot.

Michael Jackson Trial: Day 4

2005-03-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

Day 4 of the "Trial of the Century"... wow, how the time flies. The day started off with a tour of Neverland Ranch, courtesy of a tape made by Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Deputy Albert Lafferty during the first raid on November 18, 2003. While the prosecution pointed out the abnormal ammounts of toys and stuff for kids, the defense countered with the fact that there was no porngraphy found on the video. Defense attorney Robert M. Sanger quizzed the deputy about the handling of the "girlie magazines" they said were found in Jackson's bedroom and bathroom. I don't know about him, but I would of worn gloves. Ewwwww...

Then, they moved on to the next witness, the accuser's sister, "Judy Doe", who is now an 18 year old college freshman. The prosecution questioned "Judy" about what it was like being a girl at Neverland. Apparently, it's really lonely, and she spent alot of time entertaining herself (no, not in the way Jacko "entertains" his young male companions). Apparently she didn't see the "No Girls Allowed" sign above the door at Neverland Ranch.

She testified about the incident on plane trip from Miami to California arranged by Chris Tucker. She says that Jacko shared a can of Diet Coke with her little brother (which is gay in and of itself), which she claims was full of wine (which is slightly less gay then the Diet Coke). As they whispered back and forth, Jackson gave the boy a watch, which we are lead to believe was a payoff to keep him to shut up. She claimed that the only time she was ever allowed in Jackson's bedroom, he and her two young brothers were all lying in the same bed, with half-empty liqour bottles strewn about all willy-nilly (in my room, that's called "decoration"). She also claims she entertained a secret stairway behind a jukebox leading to Jacko's hidden wine cellar, where she found her brothers, Jacko, and another boy having a wine sipping party.

She also testified that the family knew they weren't allowed to leave, following the fallout from the Bashir documentary. Her mother became worried about the treatment they were getting from his peoples, and wanted to get the family out. The testimony will continue tommorrow, were defense attorney Thomas Mesereau is expected to assassinate the character of the accuser's family, as usual.

Quote of the Day:

"He had a Diet Coke can. Mr. Jackson passed it to him," she said. "They were sipping it back and forth. They were whispering back and forth. Mr. Jackson took off his watch and gave it to him. He whispered in his ear and [my brother] put it on."

Sources: E! Online, CourtTV.com

Previous Day's Recap: The Michael Jackson Trial: Day 3

Michael Jackson Trial: Day 3

2005-03-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

It is now officially Day 3 of the "Trial of the Century", and the prosecution has called their second witness, Ann Marie Kite, also known as Ann Gabriel, who was hired by Team Jackson for 6 days as a crisis management/public relations specialist, a suicide mission if there ever was one.

Between the Bashir documentary that showed people how fucking weird Michael Jackson really is, and documents on TheSmokingGun.com from the 93-94 child diddling case that he settled for a whopping $24 miiiiiillion dollars, Kite realized that they had a public relations disaster on their hands. When asked to rate it on a scale from 1 to 10, she called it a "25".

As part of the damage control plan, Marc Shaffel, a Jackson co-conspirator and gay porn producer, made a deal to produce a rebuttal video to Bashir's documentary. Apparently in Michael Jackson's 40 years in the entertaiment industry, he couldn't find anyone who didn't produce gay porn to do the video. She was told the situation with the family had been "contained" by Shaffel, and Jackson lawyer David LeGrand told her they were going to make the boy's mother look like a "crack whore". After she refused to sign a confidentiality agreement given to her by high profile scumbag lawyer Mark Geragos (of Scott Peterson fame), she says she was terminated without reason, 6 days after being hired by LeGrand.

Under cross examination, the defense tried to paint Jacko as the real victim again. Kite said she felt that those in the Jackson camp were motivated by their own greedy interests, and not that of Jacko. Some of the camp, including Jackson's 5 co-conspirators, were getting a cut of the rebuttal video. Defense Attorney Mesereau objected to much of Kite's testimony, but lost nearly every objection.

In other news, Jay Leno, unfunny host of "The Tonight Show" and a witness for the defense who claims the accuser's mother tried to scam him out of money, is trying to get an exemption to the gag order in the Jackson case, presumably so he can make unfunny jokes about it on his unfunny show. Oh yea, did I mention "The Tonight Show" isn't funny?

Quote of the Day:

Like Schaffel, LeGrand assured her the family problem had been fixed because the Jackson camp had the mother "on tape and they were going to make her look like a crack whore," Kite testified.

Sources: E! Online, CourtTV.com

Previous Day's Recap: The Michael Jackson Trial: Day 2

Shake That Ass, Bitch and Let Me See What You Got...

2005-03-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

I think we should take our hats off to Beyonce. Jessica Alba says that Beyonce's lack of clothing in music videos helped her overcome her discomfort in playing a stripper in the upcoming film Sin City. Sin City is based on Frank Miller's dark stories, featured in graphic novels, about the residents of the fictional town of Sin City.

Wouldn't you like to do coke off that?

Jessica Alba, who some might know as that fine piece of ass from the craptastic TV show Dark Angel , says...

"I was so nervous during Sin City because I play a stripper. I wore chaps and little underwear. My butt cheeks were hanging out! It was so embarrassing.

"I remember being in my underwear in my hotel room, trying to get comfortable with my Sin City role.

"Beyonce's Baby Boy video kept coming on MTV, and all she had on was a short little thing, and she's grooving around and she has this gorgeous womanly body"

Alba will also appear in the upcoming film adaptation of The Fantastic Four. This film will likely not fail to piss off comic book fans. (see The Punisher, The Punisher with Ivan Drago for other examples)

Sin City is in theatres: April 1st
Fantastic Four: July 8th

SOURCE: The Sun (don't laugh)

Michael Jackson Trial: Day 2

2005-03-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

Before I get into today's going-ons in the "Trial of the Century", I'd like to say that I just got done watching E!'s "Michael Jackson Trial", in which actors reinact yesterday's testimony. What the hell? This is the world of 24 Hour News, people. Yesterday's news is history, we want today's news. On the other hand, I am interested to see Michael Jackson inpersonator Ed Moss do something besides sit there and look creepy.

Anyways... in the second day of the trial, defense attorney Thomas Mesereau continued his opening statements, attempting to paint a picture of Michael Jackson as something other then a weirdo child molester. He claimed the accuser and his family were "out of control", breaking into Jacko's wine cellar and refridgerator to steal alcohol. They even went to the top of the ferris wheel at Neverland's amusement park and "threw objects at elephants and people", but really, who hasn't done that? One time at Octoberfest, I nailed this fat redneck with a sausage on a stick from the rollercoaster. It was freaking sweet.

The defense then moved on to the giant pile of pornography found during the investigation, which the prosecution claims Jackson used to seduce children with. While the defense of most people would be that they "read the magazines for the articles", Mesereau has the daunting task of making Jacko appear to be a heterosexual man who is attracted to adult women, and not little boys. Therefore, he professed Jackson's love of "girlie magazines", citing Playboy and Hustler as some of his favorites that he kept in his briefcase - the same briefcase that these mischievous scamps broke into and stole the magazines from. When Jackson discovered this, he took the magazines back from the boys, which seems to be a set up for the "I was taking it back from them" defense of explaining why your fingerprints are on incriminating evidence. He also pointed out that no DNA evidence from the accuser was found in the bedroom, where the molestations allegedly took place (mad props to the Neverland housekeeping staff).

The defense went back to destroying the credibility of the accuser's mother, which is far easier then making Michael Jackson appear even semi-normal. Mesereau trashed the mother's accusations that the family was held captive at Neverland, and claimed that she only wanted to get money out of his client.

And then came time for the first witness - Martin Bashir, who's documentary "Living With Michael Jackson" started this whole mess. The prosecution screened the documentary for the jury, with Jacko tearing up at parts (maybe because he finally realized what a god damn freakshow he is). They then turned Bashir over to the defense for cross-examination, who refused to answer most of the questions, despite Mesereau crying to the judge to hold him in contempt of the court.

Quote of the Day:

"Mr. Jackson will freely admit that he does read girlie magazines from time to time," Mesereau said, noting his client's preference for Playboy and Hustler.

Sources: E! Online, The Smoking Gun, CourtTV.com

Previous Day's Recap: The Michael Jackson Trial: Day 1

Michael Jackson Trial: Day 1

2005-02-28T21:50:00.000-08:00

Thank God for E! TV. Just when you were thinking that it was another worthless cable channel that stole SNL from Comedy Central and produces nothing but mind-numbing dog crap like "Gastineau Girls", comes quite possibly the most brilliant idea ever. Judge Rodney Mellville won't allow cameras in the courtroom? Well, we'll just hire a Michael Jackson impersonator to recreate the testimony! Take that, Johnny Law! Starting tommorrow at 6:30 CST, E! will air actors recreating the courtroom proceedings as part of their coverage of the of the trial. I know I'll be watching...

Meanwhile, the "Trial of the Century" kicked off today. In opening arguements, Prosecutor Tom Sneddon traces all the events back to Martin Bashir's documentary "Living With Michael Jackson", which he claimed the King of Pop planned on using to reinvent his fledgling career. The plan backfired horribly, causing the Jackson camp to scramble to do damage control to fix the "trainwreck", by allegedly holding the family captive and forcing them to appear in a rebuttal video to the Bashir documentary. It is during this grand conspiracy, he alledges, that Jacko, 46, jacko'd off the accuser, now 15, and then encouraged the young boy to jacko off on his own. While some people might consider teaching a 13 year old boy how to masturbate properly a public service, the State of California considers it child molestation.

Sneddon also saught to destroy the image Jackson created of Neverland Ranch - a "sweet" place for children, filled with music, and milk and cookies. Instead, he claimed Jackson would surf X-rated websites, show him magazines like Barely Legal Hardcore, and substitute milk and cookies with wine, vodka, and bourbon. But c'mon... what 13 year old doesn't want porn and booze? That's all I thought about when I was 13. That actually does sound pretty sweet... except for the whole Michael Jackson touching my penis part.

What the prosecution failed to explain is why a pedophile seducing a little boy would read Barely Legal Hardcore with him. I mean, why would he show him a porno with a bunch of chicks in it? Wouldn't that just confuse the kid? I've read alot of Barely Legal, and never once have I said afterwards, "I wonder what it'd be like if some gaunt, no longer relevant freakshow of a pop star gave me a handjob?" That's more like something I'd say after reading Entertainment Weekly.

Defense attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. focused on attacking the credibility of the accuser's family. Meseraeu says that the accuser's mother has a long history of trying to scam celebrities, like Jay Leno and George Lopez, out of money and filing false sexual assault lawsuits, including one against JC Penney.

Back in Chicago, civil rights leader Jesse Jackson (no relation) said the absence of black jurors "casts a cloud of reasonable doubt on the fundamental promise and purpose of the courts: to provide a fair trial by a jury of one's peers." I guess Jesse forgot the fact that Michael Jackson is now a weird white guy who lives in Santa Barbara.

Quote of the Day:

It was during the brothers's first Neverland stay that Jackson and aide Frank Cascio showed the boys pornographic web sites on a laptop computer in Jackson's bedroom. As they looked at photos of topless women, Jackson remarked "Got Milk?" at one point, Sneddon said. The singer even directed a lurid comment at his three-year-old son, who was on the bed, apparently sleeping. "Prince," he said to the boy, "you're missing a lot of pussy."

Sources: E! Online, The Smoking Gun

Oscar Aftermath

2005-02-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning angry. While this is not out of ordinary, I was especially angry having wasted nearly 4 hours of my life watching last night's Oscars (see my recap of the activities in my previous post, "It's Oscar night, and I couldn't fucking care less"). While enjoying a tasty breakfast of cigarettes and Dr. Pepper, I realized that someone who isn't an elitist Hollywood fuck needs to give out awards for movies. And I believe that someone is... Team Wilco. Therefore, I sumbit to you, the 1st Annual Wilco Awards for Motion Picture Excellency:

Best Actor: Tom Cruise, Collateral

I'm not going to lie, I hate Tom Cruise. However, I believe, in the past couple years he has begun redeeming himself for pieces of crap like Top Gun and Days of Thunder. He started with Last Samurai, knowing full well that samurais are awesome. However, this last year we were blessed with his finest performance, as a badass hitman in Collateral. When he would waste people with two slugs in the chest and one in the head, I actually believed that he was a ruthless assassin. Long live the Cruise.

Honorable mentions: Jon Heder (Napolean Dynamite), David Carradine (Kill Bill Part 2), Denzel Washington (Man on Fire), Tom Hanks (The Ladykillers)

Best Actress: Uma Thurman, Kill Bill Part 2

Usually, I don't pay any attention to women, as they were placed on Earth by Satan Himself to ruin our lives. However, this year featured a standout performance by Uma Thurman, in the role of "The Bride". Uma is a complete professional when it comes to these moving pictures. She learned how to kung fu fight. She learned how to samurai sword fight. She didn't show any skin, but that's usually only a factor for Best Supporting Actress, since they aren't good enough actresses to get the Best Actress award.

Honorable Mentions: Women have no honor.

Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons, The Ladykillers and Spiderman 2

I think The Ladykillers was probably the most under-rated movie of the year. Of all the people who could of gotten the Best Supporting Actor in this movie, I chose to give it to J.K. Simmons for his role as "Mr. Pancake". He delivered many great lines that will be classic pop culture references 20 years from now, like "Awww... you got blueberry syrup on my safari jacket!" However, that wasn't the only movie J.K. Simmons was great in as a Supporting Actor. He also played the role of the sensationalist newspaper editor J.J. Jameson in Spiderman 2. For two, not one, great supporting roles, he is elevated over all other Supporting Actors.

Honorable Mentions: Tzi Ma (The Ladykillers), Gordon Liu (Kill Bill Part 2), Michael Madsen (Kill Bill Part 2), Snoop Dogg (Starsky and Hutch), Jon Gries (Napolean Dynamite)

Best Supporting Actress: None

Best Comic Book Adaption: Spiderman 2

This is kind of a no brainer. Why? Because almost every comic book adaption they make these days sucks balls, that's why.

Honorable Mentions: Hellboy, Alien Vs. Predator

Worst Comic Book Adaption: The Punisher

Just when you thought the original Punisher with Dolph Lundgren was the worst movie ever, they have to go and make another steaming pile of dog crap out of this great comic book. Congratulations, Tom Jane. You're now on the same level as Dolph Lundgren. What's next, an adaptation of Masters of the Universe (Note to soulless Hollywood executives: Do not make an adaptation of Masters of the Universe, the world does not need another He-man movie)?

Dishonorable Mentions: Blade: Trinity, Catwoman

Best Action Movie: Man on Fire

I really wanted to give this award to Kill Bill Part 2, but the majority of the action was in Kill Bill Part 1, and I felt Man on Fire needed an award. Holy crap. Denzel Washington is ruthless in this movie. Any movie where you kidnap a Mexican offical and place a suppository with plastic explosives and a remote detonator up his ass deserves an award.

Honorable Mentions: Kill Bill Part 2, House of Flying Daggers, Collateral, The Chronicles of Riddick, Spiderman 2, Alien Vs. Predator, Dawn of the Dead, The Bourne Supremacy

Worst Action Movie: Van Helsing

If you saw this movie, then no explanation is necessary.

Dishonorable Mentions: The Punisher, Blade: Trinity, Catwoman, Torque, Paycheck

Best Comedy: The Ladykillers

This is possibly the hardest category to decide, there were so many great comedies this year. However, I'm giving the award to the most under-rated movie of the year, the Ladykillers. I don't know how a Tom Hanks Coen Brothers movie managed to go almost completely unnoticed, but it did. Oh well, the American public is stupid anyways.

Honorable Mentions: Napolean Dynamite, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Shaun of the Dead, Team America: World Police, Starsky and Hutch, Meet The Fockers, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, The Girl Next Door

Worst Comedy: Anchorman

This was quite possibly the stupidest movie I've ever seen. Will Ferrell should never be in a leading role. Here's a tip, Willy: you can keep up the "I can be stupid and keep a straight face" routine, but take a look at Leslie Nelson's career and see where that got him. 'Nuff said.

Dishonorable Mentions: Dodgeball, The Whole Ten Yards, White Chicks, Jersey Girl, Along Came Polly

Best Movie That I Thought Was Going To Suck But Turned Out To Be Really Good: Collateral

I thought this movie was really going to suck when I heard about it. I mean, c'mon, Tom Cruise as a hitman? That's not believable at all. But he made it believable. That's why he recieved the Best Actor Wilco award earlier.

Honorable Mentions: Napolean Dynamite, The Girl Next Door

Worst Movie That Everyone Told Me Was Good But In Reality Sucked Sweaty Monkey Balls: Anchorman

Everyone told me Anchorman was funny. Then I saw it. Turns out, everyone is a dirty god damn liar.

Dishonorable Mentions: Dodgeball, The Punisher

Best Movie: Kill Bill Part 2

Sure, there were probably some more thought-provoking movies this year. But who the hell watches movies to think?

Honorable Mentions: Napolean Dynamite, The Ladykillers, Man on Fire, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Worst Movie: You Got Served

Ok, don't ask why I watched this movie. Me and Frank Stallone were really high, and we had seen every other movie in Blockbuster. This movie proves my theory: Steve Harvey is King Midas, if everything King Midas touched turned to dog crap. Don't believe me? Go back and watch his sitcom. Listen to his morning radio show sometime. Hell, look at those ridicolous suits he sells. I think the proof is in the pudding.

Dishonorable Mentions: The Punisher, Catwoman, Anchorman, Dodgeball, Torque, White Chicks, Paycheck

Hollywood Circle Jerk

2005-02-27T23:32:00.000-08:00

Paco pretty much covered most of my thoughts on the Oscars so, I'll focus on a few other things.

Oscar night is a special night where all the pompous asses in Hollywood pat each other on the back. This ultimate celebrity circle jerk only comes once a year. It's sort of like my family Christmas. The good kids get rewarded and the crap kids get laughed at for being losers.

We start with the red carpet. The first "person" I see is Hilary Swank. You might know her from single most important film in history, The Next Karate Kid. Hilary was dealt a bad hand. She was born to a trailer trash family. She kind of reminds me of Jessica Biel.. if Jessica Biel was to have a massive stroke while going head first through a windshield. She also looks like she stinks. This is just proof that God hates her. I heard that she won an Oscar tonight. That's good for her I guess. Mutants deserve recognition every once and a while. I've heard of a few confused souls that actually find this "person" attractive. While, she does have a nice body, her rack is rather molestable and her back is free of backne. She is the apex of "buttah face". You can click HERE to see my evaluation of her but I'm warning you, it's not for the weak of heart.

I took the liberty of creating a better version of Hilary.

I also saw Halle Berry. Like Hilary Swank, this woman is an abomination of nature however, Halle is cursed with being absolutely gorgeous. Why is this a curse? Because it cause certain people to lust after her. Certain people with nun fetishes. Certain people that would love to dress her up as a nun and defile her in ways that are illegal in 48 states. Somebody recently revealed to me that Halle Berry has big ears. (I never really made it past the eyes and the chest) I happen to think her ears are perfect. They'd make great targets. She got snubbed by the Academy for Catwoman. It easily could have won for "Best Movie to Watch in Slow-motion".

Scarlett Johansen poked her cute little elf face around. There is just something about her. There is something that forces me to watch her. There is something more than a beautiful chest and breath taking eyes. Since I can't quite place my finger or my palm on that exact something, I'm forced to oogle the goodies that I can actually see. Unfortunately, Scarlett wore a dress that left a lot to the imagination. When will people learn? I don't want to use my imagination.

It is a crime to hide those magnificent melons. I consider it a hate crime because, I hate it. You know, there is a little country that wants their women to cover up. This country also hates our western ways. This little country is.. the Middle East. Scarlett, I'm not calling you a bad American. All I'm saying is that the world was a much better place when you celebrated our freedom.

Get Up Stand Up, Stand up For your Right

Leonardo Dicaprio looks like a shady fuck. He looks like the type of guy that would try to sell you bunk acid in a bathroom of a skeezy Drum and Bass club. I don't know the guy. I'll probably never meet him but, I don't trust him.

By the way, Basketball Diaries is awesome.

Chris Rock is great. If you don't like him then you're not great. If you prefer Billy Crystal then there is obviously something wrong with you. The only probably I had with Rock was the waiting in between for his stuff. I had to suffer with Renee Zellemonfacesaggytits giving out some shitty award nobody gave a crap about. The stuff with Beyonce didn't make me so mad. I guess I should be concerned that Beyonce surrounded by several young boys actually made me more attracted to her.

As far as winners go, Paco covered all that. There was one that he left off though and that's the straight-male and the lesbian viewers. Sure it was kind of cool to see Jaime Fox win Best Actor but dude, Salma Hayek's breast...Salma Hayek's breast.

Man, those are great. Thank God they had her on for three things in a row because I was about to change it to ESPN's recap of the LPGA. When I die and sneak my way into heaven, I hope with every ounce of my being that I will not be surrounded by the bible thumping dorks that I hate so much. Instead, I pray that heaven is filled with Salma Hayeks. Salma Hayeks that feed me cheesy gordita crunches and offer the most twisted sex acts. Sex acts that are probably forbidden in the bible. My ex-girlfriend told me that some douche bags were saying that they didn't like her dress because it flattened her boobs. These are obviously gay men who could care less about her cleavage. If they're straight then I'd like to remind them that the cleavage percentage was awfully low this year and we should be thankful for what we got.

I know I am.

I would also like to give a very special fuck you to Spicolli. Spicolli no longer has a sense of humor. He's a stupid cry baby fuck that looks confused. He waited 3 hours to address Chris Rock's comments on Jude Law. Think that his joke was in poor taste? That's not poor taste. This is "When I was 8 or 9... I was raped by my piano teacher". That's poor taste. Rock was just making a joke about a British guy that's done a lot of films. Spicolli, you're a dick.

I would also like to send a special fuck you to Robin Williams. You're lame. Go make Patch Adams 2: Electric Boogaloo or something... Leave being funny to funny people. Everyone should just get Frank Caliendo to do his Robin Williams. Douchey McDouchedouche's attempt at being silly, his jerkoff outfit and the tape thing on his mouth (which I assume is some lame statement about his song or bit or whatever being cut) was just a stupid reminder that Middle America is suppose to laugh at him. He could have just worn a sign that said "I'm Still Funny Remember?". Robin flamboyantly discussed gays and cartoon characters. I guess there is no better spokesperson for either group.

If you don't think the Oscars are targeted at gay men then I should point out who gave out the final award. Rainman and Barbara Streisand. Since when has Streisand been relevant to anybody but gay dudes?

So that's the Oscars.. I think I hate myself for watching this pile of crap.

It's Oscar night, and I couldn't fucking care less

2005-02-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, yea, so it's Oscar night. I fucking hate the Oscars, but it'd be pretty hard for me to badmouth it if I didn't sit through it. What can I say, I torture myself for my art. I missed the Barbara Walters special, because I was too busy smoking the crack it would take for me to actually watch this crap, however, I tuned in just in time to catch the pre-show on the red carpet.

Immediatly, I was assaulted by Hillary Swank's hideous horse face. Holy crap, call a plastic surgeon, Mr. Ed. I wish I had a girlfriend, I would put some blinders on Hillary Swank and make her pull us around downtown in a carriage. That would be so romantic.

And what's the deal with all these actors and actresses with yellow teeth? What's wrong, Kirsten Dunst, can't afford to get them whitened with all that Spiderman money? She looks like she just gave Chester Cheetah a blowjob.

I realized that none of this is important, so I went back to smoking crack until the Oscars actually started.

So, they start the Oscars off with a montage of movies of the past, that were all better then anything nominated this year. Even Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I was unaware that Bill and Ted was ever nominated for an Oscar, but it was included in this montage.

And then out comes Chris Rock. Thank god it's not Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal is about as funny as raping a Boy Scout. Ok, I take that back, that's not a fair comparison. Raping a Boy Scout is about 20 times funnier then Billy Crystal. Chris Rock poses an important question, "Who the hell is Jude Law?" Thank god I'm not the only person thinking that. See, me and Chris Rock, we're alike. Well, except for the fact he's black and rich and I'm white and broke. Wow. My great grandfather is probably rolling over in his grave right now.

And it's time for the first award, for "Best Art Direction", presented by Halle Berry. Apparently, they wouldn't let Halle Berry present a real award after Catwoman. I don't blame them. The nominees are...

Nobody cares. It's fucking Art Direction.

And the Oscar goes to... some old guy with a funny accent and some old broad who looks like a troll for whatever they did on "The Aviator".

Renne Zelwegger and her horrible dye job present the next award, "Best Actor in a Supporting Role". The nominees are...

Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen - CLOSER

Out of all these movies, the only one I saw was Collateral, which was freaking sweet. So, naturally, I'm rooting for Jamie Foxx.

And the Oscar goes to... Morgan Freeman. Sorry Jamie Foxx, you got robbed. This black-on-black crime is getting out of hand.

After the first commercial break, they bring out Robin Williams, who is trying to still be funny by putting a piece of tape over his mouth. Cute. Leave the comedy to Chris Rock, douche. Your job is to announce the award for "Animated Feature Film". But nooooooo, he goes on with some lame jokes about what cartoon characters are gay. Cutting edge comedy there, Mrs. Doubtfire. The nominees are...

THE INCREDIBLES
SHARK TALE
SHREK 2

And the Oscar goes to... The Incredibles. I don't know who the guy is accepting the award, but I don't believe he is one of the Incredibles.

Cate Blanchett presents the award for "Best Make Up" in the part of the crowd were people who would get nominated for something stupid like "Best Make Up" sit.

There were only 3 nominees for "Best Make Up", which I found odd. Surely more then 3 movies used make up.

And the Oscar goes to... two douche bags who did the make up for Lemony Snicket's.

Then out comes the "multi-talented" (I almost choked on my Dr. Pepper when they said that) Drew Barrymore, to introduce Beyonce performing with some boy's choir. It's apparently one of the songs up for "Best Song". It's also in French. Fortunately, I hid my revolver, razor blades, and anything rope-like that I could use to hang myself earlier when I decided I was going to watch the Oscars.

And it's time for another commercial. Thank god, I needed a fucking cigarette. I come back in time for Chris Rock asking "regular people" people at the Magic Johnson Theater what their favorite movies were, since Hollywood is out of touch with the rest of the country. Apparently, by "regular people", he meant "black people". Favorite movies there included Alien Versus Predator, Saw, and The Chronicles of Riddick. Suprisingly, nobody had seen Sideways, or any other movie nominated.

Scarlett Johansen presents the "Scientific and Technical Awards" from an empty balcony. Apparently these awards are so worthless, they don't even list it on the Oscar website. Therefore, I won't bother listing them here.

Pierce Brosnan presents the award for "Best Costume Design". Then some animated character from the Incredibles joined him on the stage. It was no "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", I'll tell you that.

And the Oscar goes to... someone from the Aviator.

Tim Robbins finally presents a real award, the award for "Best Actress in a Supporting Role". The nominees are...

Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman - CLOSER

Again, I've seen none of these movies. I would of seen "Closer", but they cut out all of Natalie Portman's full frontal scenes, so fuck that. I hope she doesn't win.

And the Oscar goes to... Cate Blanchett. Eat that, Princess Amadala. Show some bush next time.

It's commercial time again. I really wish I would of prepared better for this, because now would be the perfect time to smoke some weed. We come back to a tribute to Johnny Carson.

Leonardo DeCaprio comes out presents the award for "Best Documentary Feature". Apparently the Oscars don't consider this a real award, because all the people nominated for the award were allready on stage, like when they did "Best Costume Design". And the nominees are...

BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH

And the Oscar goes to... Born into Brothels. Some short guy and some chick with a hook nose accept the award.

Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom present the award for "Best Filming Editing". I begin to realize the same god damn movies are just being nominated over and over again. This is turning into one big circlejerk, and I hate circlejerks.

And the Oscar goes to... the Aviator.

Mike Meyers introduces the Counting Crows who are performing "Accidently in Love" from Shrek 2. Jesus Christ, if you're listening, please kill me. Strike me down now, don't make me go on with this. Actually, Jesus, I was just kidding about that. I'd hate for the one time I ask Jesus to smite someone, it be on myself, because I'm too lazy to switch over to some porno and masturbate for a couple minutes. Hey, that sounds like a good idea...

And Catherine Zeta Jones comes out to present the award for "Best Adapted Screenplay"... but... wait a minute, that's not Catherine Zeta Jones, that's funnyman Adam Sandler. Uh-oh, I smell a bit... Chris Rock comes over and pretends to be Catherine Zeta Jones. And the nominees are...

BEFORE SUNSET
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
SIDEWAYS

And the Oscar goes to... Sideways.

The guy who played Bubble Boy and that hot piece of ass from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon present the award for "Best Visual Effects". This is the first category were I had seen at least 2 of the movies nominated, which isn't bad because there were only 3.

And the Oscar goes to... Spiderman 2. Finally, a movie I've actually seen wins an award.

The old guy who is apparently in charge of all this nonsense comes out and dedicates this night to all the American troops. Nice try, liberal Hollywood. The real reason they brought this guy out was to introduce Al Pacino, to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to Sidney Lumet.

Ok, it's commercial time again. I came back from my cigarette break to find Beyonce doing another song, this time "Learn to Be Lonely" from the Phantom of the Opera. She got a standing ovation from Jay Z, who was all like, "Awww yeah, that's my biatch."

The bad guy from Die Hard With A Vengeance presents another worthless award, this time for "Live Action Short Film". I'm not sure what that is, but since it's not a whole movie, I don't think it deserves a whole Oscar.

And the Oscar goes to... Wasp. And... I couldn't possibly care less.

Laura Linney presents the award for "Best Animated Short Film".

And the Oscar goes to... Ryan. No, that's not the guy who accepted the award, that's the name of the movie. The guy who accepted the award look like he's been snorting crystal meth for the past week.

Kate Winslet presents the award for "Best Cinematography".

And the Oscar goes to... The Aviator. What a suprise.

And another commercial break comes. At this point, I realize that between this commercial break and the last commercial break, absolutely NOTHING happened.

Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek both come out present the award for "Best Sound Editing". Sweet merciful Jesus, those two are smoking hot. I'm not going to lie, I rubbed one out while imagining Penelope and Salma dyking out on each other.

And the Oscar goes to... Ray.

Much to my delight, they keep Penelope and Salma around to present the award for "Best Sound Mixing". There is a God.

And the Oscar goes to... The Incredibles. Whoever the hell is accepting this award needs to shut up, and they need to pan back over to Salma's boobs. Mmmmmmm... Salma's boobs.

And just as I typed that, they panned back to Salma's boobs. Salma's boobs introduce the next song, "Al Otro Lado Del Rio" from the Motorcycle Diaries, performed by Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana. I guess that's cool and all, but I think this song would of been better performed in the background, while Penelope Cruz rubbed honey all over Salma Hayek's boobs, but hey, that's just me.

After the commercial break, Natalie Portman comes out to present the award for "Best Documentary Short".

And the Oscar goes to... Mighty Times: The Children's March. Two gay guys accept the award. The guy who did all the talking sounded like he just had a stroke. I'm guessing his boyfriend was a mute, kinda like Teller from Penn and Teller, because Strokey McMumbles wasn't the best choice for giving a speech.

John Travolta comes out to give the award for "Best Music".

And the Oscar goes to... Finding Neverland.

Martin Scorcese comes out sporting Buddy Holly's glasses to present the "Herscholt Humanitarian Award" to Roger Mayer. Booooooooooooooring.

Annete Benning introduces Yo Yo Ma, who plays the cello while we remember everyone who has died this past year. The only people who really got a big applause were Ronald Reagan and Marlon Brando. Rodney Dangerfield... still gets no respect.

And the commercial break caps off another block of worthless Oscar schlock. Hey, that rhymes... I'm a poet, and didn't even know it. Hoo-ha! At this point, I've officially gone retarded from too much Oscar exposure.

Puff Daddy is introduced as Sean Combs, to introduce the song "Believe" from The Polar Express, performed by... you guessed it, Beyonce. But she's not alone this time... she's got some dude I've never heard of named Josh Groban. He was probably on American Idol or something. Man, I fucking hate that show.

Hell yea... it's fucking Prince! He's here to present the award for "Best Song". Unfortunately, I'm now intimately familiar with all these songs. And the nominees are...

"Accidentally In Love" - SHREK 2
"Al Otro Lado Del Río" - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Believe" - THE POLAR EXPRESS
"Learn To Be Lonely" - THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
"Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)" - THE CHORUS

And the Oscar goes to... "Al Otro Lado Del Río" from the Motorcycle Diaries. I was kinda hoping Prince would punk this guy out, and steal the Oscar and claim it in the name of "Purple Rain", but he didn't.

Sean Penn comes out to present a award, and references Chris Rock's joke about Jude Law from two and a half fucking hours earlier. He points out that Jude Law is a fine actor. Shut up, Spicolli, and present the award for "Best Actress". The nominees are...

Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

And the Oscar goes to... Horseface Hillary Swank. Congratulations, Hillary, here's an apple. They start the first note of the "Wrap it up" music, the first time it was used tonight. But she tells them to stop, and they do.

And we're back from commercial. Gwennith Paltrow presents the award for "Best Foreign Film".

And the Oscar goes to... The Sea Inside, from Spain.

Samuel L. Jackon presents the award for "Best Original Screenplay".

And the Oscar goes to... Eternal Sunshine of the Sportless Mind. Some spaz accepts the award with two other douche bags.

After another commercial break, Charlize Theron comes out to present the award for "Best Actor". And the nominees are...

Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx - RAY

I haven't seen a single one of these movies, either. I think it's a travesty Tom Cruise wasn't nominated for his role as a badass assassin in "Collateral", but whatever. The Academy is crooked. Clint Eastwood is a total badass, so I'm rooting for him.

And the Oscar goes to... Jamie Foxx. What the hell is that on the back of his head? Is that hair or is that a tattoo? Jamie, Jamie, Jamie... haven't we learned anything from Mike Tyson? C'mon, man, you're losing it.

And after the final commercial break, we come back to Julia Roberts, who presents the award for "Best Directing". And the nominees are...

THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE

And the Oscar goes to... Clint Eastwood, for Million Dollar Baby. Personally, I think he should of won it for "The Outlaw Josey Wales", but that's just me.

And finally, Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand present the award for "Best Picture". And the nominees are...

THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS

And the Oscar goes to... Million Dollar Baby, again. Hmmm. Never saw it. Whatever.

And that's it. Wow. Three and a half hours of my life I will never get back. I hope you're happy, Oscar, you son of a bitch.